I'm not even short.

Today I ate:

a bagel and cream cheese
dried apricots
a bowl of muesli
a vegetable stir fry with noodles

Now, this is definitely under 1200, and the sort of thing I should be aiming at. I think the muesli had sugar in it, which perturbs me. Today has been difficult; not because I wanted sugar, quite the opposite; we are all back at university and everyone brings out sugary treats to celebrate with. I despise this; I hate seeming as if I am a calorie counting freak who is also fat, thus failing to have fun and failing to lose weight at the same time. Yet, I refuse them. I pretend to eat them and then leave them on the side, but it is so difficult; I want to be included but I can't eat those foods and keep to my goal. It's pointless eating them when I feel no desire for them, but I detest the wastefulness I cause nursing a plate of cake or some such.

My mission to give up sugar has been spurred on by finding that a mutual friend has met bombazine doll's actual girlfriend; and she is petite, slim and gorgeous and intelligent looking, he says, and he's got high standards. This made me sick to my stomach- the girl I thought she loved was, at least, chubby and (I think) a little bit annoying. Knowing she had someone better than me in every way all along makes me nauseous; every time she was with me, I was second best in her eyes, and now I am second best in my own as well. I can't compete; being "quirky" looking. She still tells me I am slim, but that is a lie; for a few seconds I thought she'd left me because I'm fat. But then I realised I was displacing- it's because I'm not the one that she left me. And the one happens to be thin, which she probably adores. Ugh. Anyway, the most annoying thing is that I'm not really attracted to her anymore- I just wanted to be the first to find someone else, or failing that, to lose weight and look beautiful on it. Pah, neither have really happened. She must see me as some sort of charity case. That's why she's invited me for lunch; I'm a cause that needs work doing. The exacerbation I feel at my own obsessional ravings increases as I realise that I really was beginning not to care, until I find my replacement is so much better than I am. I'm not even short.

The virginia shootings make me wonder if I will ever do such a thing; I don't think I would. I do like horror films, and this blog keeps me sane, as do drawing and writing. But I do obsess; I suppose the key is to recognise and restrain your own morbid faculties as opposed to letting them run riot. Also, I am a woman and women are statistically less likely to shoot or kill, preferring to turn in on themselves, as I so frequently do (via criticism, not self harm or anything so self indulgent). I wonder why nobody has looked at the paedophile angle- it appears that he was obviously molested. Nobody could fixate so much upon rape, as a metaphor and as a reality in creative writing, that it hadn't happened to. The two plays I read (and they were horrendously written, which relieved me; he is no tortured genius) were profane, which I don't object to, but they lack a sense of movement through phases; they're simply stuck. I also don't understand the banning of his name; this will glorify its mention even more. Or the dubbing of him as "evil". Noone is born evil. I despise the word as applied to a confused and angry boy that got hold of a weapon and used it as a penis extension. I also despise the article in the Times that suggests he's a product of the decline of patriarchy; if matriarchy is getting a chance now, then the men can like it or lump it, as we did for two millenia.