Pick pick pick away at me.

I have consumed:

two slices of marmite on toast (300)
an apple (40)
various dried fruits
crisp sticks and houmous (200)
a piece of garlic bread (50)
a quarter of a pizza (200)
4tbsps pasta and tomato sauce (150)
vegetable stew (300)
two slices of bread (200)
a bowl of raisin wheats (130)
A squash lolly (10)- I felt bad about these last two items as they've definitely got sugar in them.

About 1800. Crap. I need to do some serious restriction; no wonder I've been gaining weight. I'm eating better stuff (just) but so much more than I used to. It's all bollocks. If I hadn't ate the chipsticks or the raisin wheats, which, if I'm honest, I could have easily done without, I would be a lot better off. Tomorrow I will go on a run, then go to the library, and eat under my allowance for once.

I read an article on the sun goddess of the Shinto faith, Amertasu. It seems to be a prevalent ideology that the royal family should be related, directly or with some sort of selective relationship, with God. This occurs in all cultures. How strange, to invest a divine power in a set of humans who have been priviledged by birth only. I believe that this is because people are unable to accept the blame for their own lives; if the royal family, a family that is in fact ordinary, has been selected by a higher power or is in some way divine, you cannot possibly interfere with something so much greater than yourself. You cannot apportion blame to them; but you are free of decision and responsibility, and so cannot blame yourself for inaction. A grudging acceptance of circumstances follows.

I divest the same power to my bodily weight, which has as abstract an effect on who I am as the divinities, or the royal family. Not very much, cumulatively. It's just how much I let it bother me that matters, or if I am to let it bother me, then I should do something about it whilst I'm still young enough- I read that it's harder to lose weight as you grow older. It is the perception I want to give that makes me want to lose weight, and the attention I receive when I lose it. It's also the way clothes fit, and the loss of the thigh and knee chub. At the moment I am disturbed by my failure to fit into a dress that was loose, as well as my description as one of the three sturdiest among five. The tiny bloat that makes me look pregnant, my stumpy legs. There is no end to the holes I can pick in my own body.