In the bleak midwinter.

Well, I cannot be happy, I think. I cannot be happy that I have got a job when everyone else is doing so much better.

But then, I can be momentarily happy. I just keep my eye on what everyone else is doing and feel I'm falling, falling, falling behind. Ugh.

Why?

I feel like all my friends must know I'm this horrible petty person, and must hate me for it, and I must be the person they least like. How else? I only whine, and my problem is just that I'm not good enough, not that I've got actual problems, family problems. I feel so stupid. I feel like they must know and not really want me around.

But then...

I went to see her, Lenny Stalker, and she said some amazing things and made me think different. I can't stop saying stupid things- she said she got rid of all her stuff twice in her life, to stop it defining her, I think, to stop other people defining her and to make her freer. Well, I couldn't help saying she was good at talking and organising, and giving my opinion, and she went a bit quiet and I thought, oh no, you've been stupid. She knows and she won't want to see you again.

She came to see me in the shop and I felt so embarrassed. Because I had to ask people about loyalty cards and serve her as my manager was watching, though I didn't ask her, but I felt strange taking money from her. I felt strange. I felt like I wanted her to watch me and see me doing things. She said she did grotty jobs. This isn't exactly grotty, but I felt like I was in salesperson mode- I said I liked the books she'd bought, but I felt like I wasn't talking properly, like there was a gap between what I meant and what I said that would be glaringly obvious.

I think it's just me.

Being at her house makes me feel different. I want to take her something, but she probably wouldn't want possessions. I don't know what to give. I'd like to give my time or a poem or something, but I don't think I could without making it seem silly. I'll probably draw her a christmas card and take it today.