Oh, I need something brilliant in my life. Here are a list of my worries.

1. I push people away, and I haven't had contact with people I considered proper true friends for a good while. Do they hate me.

2. Loan, which is accruing interest. I could work one day a month, and that would pay it back. But I don't know.

3. Everyone I have spoken to (bar him, the director I had and my second cousin) have cacked all over the idea of me going to stage school and think I should take some time to develop. This means they think I am silly and foetally underdeveloped in my life plan. Everyone seems to get this look on their faces- oh no, she's gone mental, bless her- if I mention it. My Mum looks like she's trying to swallow her smile- she looks like she does when she sees a homeless or particularly obese person. That's the level of disdain/pitiful sympathy.

4. That cacking means I think I don't want to go. If I was really good, then people would encourage me. I can't be that good if people aren't saying it. I haven't looked further into applying because I'm worried about my loan and how it would affect that, worried about failing and everyone knowing, and worried about what everyone thinks of me trying for it. These are the reasons I didn't tell anyone. The RADA workshop didn't do my confidence any wonders- I wasn't the worst there, but out of a tiny pool, I wasn't the best either. Maybe I was the worst and I just didn't know. Jesus.

5. I will never find something I'm happy with/ I'll spend my life chasing silly dreams. I was so set on it. If people can put me off this easily, how will I ever find something I really want to do?

6. I'm having black dog days at the moment. Because noone is contacting me from University, and I am contacting them. Maybe their lives are busy, but it feels like I've got dull and uninteresting and I'm dragging people down so they don't want me, so I'm dull, so they don't want me...I'm sending a very belated present to someone, maybe this is why she and that pocket of friends don't seem to like me so much anymore... the others, I'm at a loss, maybe I'm being self indulgent in my trucking with them.

7. I don't know how I can build a new life here.

8. I have the overriding feeling that noone thinks I am at all capable of making my own decisions without significant guidance, far more than anyone else needs.

9. I couldn't even bring myself to read the feature 'how it feels to be a young woman in the 21st century' in the Guardian today. I bet it's all about successful young things, that are my age, that are doing wonderfully. No doubt some will be at stage school or on journalism courses.

10. I cannot, for the life of me, see what is good about being me. I thought I had an idea of what I wanted, and I'm not sure I want it anymore.

11. My brother keeps wiping his social superiority in my face, knowingly. I know that it's probably because he feels jealous that I'm more academic, but he could be too with a bit of effort, and he's probably going to do just as well at university/beyond, if not better. I am feeling crap at the moment, and he just makes me feel worse. I don't know if he knows how crap I'm feeling. I don't think he would care if he does/did.

12. I am getting fatter and fatter, and it's horrible. I feel pretty hideous at the moment- like I'm growing face chins, my parents keep nagging me to sort out my clothes and buy new ones and get a haircut, because everyone takes me at face value and I can't keep scragging about like this. I hate it. Why do people take me at face value? Why can't I be a valuable human being if I don't look beautiful? Why do you have to 'make the best' of yourself? Can't you make the best of yourself by developing your mind and helping people and being generally brilliant, like Lenny Stalker?

This last one I can do something about. The rest are a horrific merge of hideous entangling ideas that are shaping my crap existence, but I can deal with all of those better if I felt better about myself. And I might feel better if I cut my hair, or sorted my clothes, but I know for sure that I would feel a million times better if I was thinner. I went a bit off track today, and drank yesterday but I will start being better.

I'm so contradictory. I am mainly attracted to larger, chubby people. With men, taller, with women, it doesn't matter about height, but I prefer people with more meat on them. I don't find thin people attractive- I'd worry they'd snap. I suppose I'm really worried they'd hate my body. Or my body would be too much for their body. I don't want to touch thin people. I crave a comfortable body. The girl I like at the moment isn't comfortable in hers, though. So a body that is comfortable for me but not for them, a contradiction once more. If I put on weight, I get a hot feeling across the back of my neck- I am embarrassed by myself. But I am not embarrassed for her. I think she's lovely. I can't think of anyone I'd want to touch more.

Maybe the characteristics I associate with thin people- untouchability, fragility- are ones I crave myself. Mum can't help commenting on, 'little dot' children, and I like it when people worry about me as opposed to ignoring me completely/aggravating me about the way I look. And as for being untouchable, I always feel that people are cannibalising my life (my parents, but sometimes now even the odd well-intended friend will drop me a look that says, you're delusional, or talk to me about, 'the future' or say, 'so what are you going to do') and I suppose that what I really want is for everyone to get out of my life, for better or worse, and regard me as an equal. Not to touch the areas I feel most sensitive about. I want them to withdraw their tanks and their armies of well meaning concern and let it be my territory once more. That's a metaphorical quibble rather than a literal one- I suppose I don't really like people hugging me, apart from certain people, and vanishing and becoming more fragile would be a subconscious attempt to say stay away, I am not ready to be touched by you.