Snow has fallen, snow on snow.

Eating has been going well-ish. I have been drinking alcohol. But mostly keeping under, I think. Today I did a five-mile walk and ate:

A piece of swiss roll and a baked biscuit-300

A jacket potato with tuna and vegetables-500

A piece of trifle-200

4 chocolates-200

Which is 1200, so I am happy about that.

In the bleak midwinter is a lovely carol.

She came to see me.

I got a text message today that said was I in, I want to drop off a present and I was hoping so badly it was her. She doesn't know where I live, and she wouldn't give me of all people a present. But she did come to see me at work, and others haven't. But I felt so stupid there.

Stupid is an overruling feeling lately.

What can I give her, poor as I am. If I were a shepherd I would bring a lamb, if I were a wise man I would do my part. Yet what I can I've given her; given her my heart. And she doesn't know, which is fantastic and sad. Or maybe she does know. The wise man is particularly pertinent.

She said she doesn't like playing the mother role all the time, and sometimes she feels she has to. I am trying to work out what sort of 'role' she is to me. I can't fathom. Does she see me as a daughter? I am probably young, naive and ludicrous enough to warrant guidance and... cloying and needy. Because I do need her.

I would like her to think of us as friends, despite the age gap, despite the wisdom gap. She is very wise. Pertinent. Just as I am thinking, if I knew what she thought of me, I could be satisfied (not happy, but satisfied), she came out with the platitude that you can only judge yourself, and find out who you are without others. And it's so true, and I hadn't even voiced how I was feeling (but maybe I didn't need to, maybe she was just picking up on what is evident, that I need guidance, and advising me as such).

She makes me want to give her things.