Hm.

I went out with R last night and told her about Little Bird. Her reaction was pretty good, even though I couldn't really articulate properly what it felt like now. But I can't articulate that to anyone. It's a culmination of things; I don't really, really want her, but I do like her and I had wanted to hold her, in the past. Then there's the blunt edge of being rejected by someone else for something else; another reason that I am crap, which serves to bring me down further. But I can't tell R all of this because when I tell her about my problems, I'm always aware that they pale into insignificance compared to hers; so I should just shut up. But it was nice to be able to tell someone, and not have the reaction I'd expect from other school friends.

I went to town today but couldn't seem to focus on anything; I'm getting old, and everything seems commercialised. I don't want to buy things if other people are so intent on being mercenary about it. I always feel greedy and grasping by buying things other than food and essentials; with clothes, sometimes I get anxious after I buy something if it's not exactly what I want. Which is kind of good, I suppose, as it prevents consumerism for its own sake. I went in yesterday and managed to find clothes (which is a rarity for me)- but today I just felt vaguely nude. It's the same sort of feeling I get onstage sometimes, when I don't know what to do with my hands. I secreted myself in a bookshop- books are always a comfort- and read the first page of lots of tomes instead. I walked home. I'm not skipping again yet, but walking calmed me (because I was doing something with my feet and it occupies my mind enough to put me at a remove from a problem, like smoking). I will skip, but at the moment I just want to listen to comforting or sad songs and drag my feet a bit. Rejection of various sorts does tend to make me mope, it's ludicrous and self-serving and not at all useful, but there it is. I will indulge and then get over it.

Because I don't really want Little Bird at all, I want DB, because she's brilliant and inspiring and funny, and she gives me chances when I didn't think she would, and she is beautiful. Little Bird is all of these things too; but DB is just too cool for me, I think. Too good. Too clever, too quick, too bold and brave and all the things I wish I was.