I can't bloody well...

do anything right. Or well. I'm always... good, or mediocre. Which translates as utterly shit. Another rejection; this time from someone who said I had, 'fantastic energy; I'd offer you the part on the spot now, guaranteed'. I must be so shit. 'I'd like to work with you in the future'. On fucking what? Why not just come out with it; 'you're shit, and you weren't as good as I thought you were', would at least allow us both to know where we stood. But no, people have to dress it up. It's all complete bollocks. I'm an untalented piece of crap, and what's the point in trying? He saw me in auditions, then decided that I was crap. Great. People give me a chance and I shit all over it.

MMcD is going to sort out my jaw. I don't know if I trust her or not; well, I don't, but I don't want her to think I'm affected by rejection, though I am, and I would like my jaw sorted. I like being in her company as well, even if she irritates me and doesn't tell me the truth.

Then there's work. I can't bloody mentor people. I want to turn people round on my own, without AG helping or anything- but this is unlikely because I can't hold a bloody conversation on my own with a kid for ten bloody minutes without feeling horribly awkward or deciding I'm bored or being tired. And then LE decides that I don't know what I'm doing- 'the best thing to do is leave KAG when she's like that'. No shit sherlock- that's why I asked her if she wanted me to stay or not, and she said yes, so I listened. At least I've got people skills, you arse. AG's right about her.

Drawing is pointless. I am not clever. I can see MH thinking, 'when the hell is she going to get this?', and she's given me so many chances to get it, to get into it. I am a slow learner. DB must think that I'm pathetic as well. I can't stand it, all these people that I hold on high (MH, DB, AG and MC) and I can't do what they do. I can't do things that they find so simple; and they can do everything that I can do, because I'm only mediocre at everything. Or worse.

Then there's Little Bird, another awkward conversationalist- but that's on her part, because now she feels awkward because of what we did together and now she doesn't want me. A tried and tested route; people think they want me, then delve a bit deeper and find out I'm crap. Bombazine is the same. Little Bird might have wanted me more but she sobered up and found out that actually, I'm not what she wants. I'm not what anyone wants in the cold face of sobriety or discovery. An epiphany of my own mediocrity.

I walked 5.9 miles today to sort this out in my head, and I hit some fences but it just feels like I don't want to jump any more, I can't be bothered with leaping because I'm fed up.