Oh my lord...

She's coming. HC is coming to see me. She's Christian and shy and she probably won't want me. I don't know if I  want her. So much has happened since I last saw her. She could be awful, she could hate me because I love women, she could...

She could come and we'd find that we were the same after all and we'd...

I don't feel as I did with Constant. I felt... worried, and secure at the same time. With HC, I feel excited and panicked. Maybe that's how Constant felt with me, but for different reasons. Or exactly the same ones. I've not really felt, not since I was six, that this could be the sole person. Maybe it's because she's like my father; mathematical, calm, safe. Considered. Oh God, what am I doing?

I don't know.

Shit.

I feel like it might be long term with HC, even though we live in different countries and speak different languages. I'm not logical or halting. I don't process things.

I can't remember her properly, and the thought of Constant is comforting, but I feel... as though I could run forever when I think of HC.

I feel... nervous.