Just as noone ever says anything bad to your face, not many say the good things either. I was talking about a colleague with someone else today, and we were both saying how lovely she was, how interesting to talk to, how chatty and decent she was... and she'll probably never know we think that. We joked that we should make a card. There really are a lot of people at work that I like.
I was tired today, and it just wasn't as good as it should have been, I can't put my finger on why, because nothing actually went wrong... MC asked me something that I should have been listening to, and I felt like a child. I'm so worried that I haven't been doing my job properly, and there was a chance. The only thing that they might think I'm good at is listening or remembering things, so now they'll either think I'm stupid, or arrogant, or both. In truth, I am easily distracted. Ugh. I want them to think I'm cool, like I think they're cool.
I think that, at the beginning of the day, might have put me off. There are people who never mind being caught out or aren't ashamed of it, and those that remember and retain for ages. I'm the latter.
Today I ate:
two cadburys fingers and an oreo- 140
a baguette-450
600
orange juice-100
dates-50
raisins-100
850
Wednesday, 25 March 2009
Monday, 23 March 2009
Doesn't it feel much better, aha, when you've had a better day than yesterday?
Lady Sovereign, you speak the truth.
1430 today, written elsewhere.
I put my foot in it, but otherwise I'm fine. I feel squared out and reasonable. I get a lie in tomorrow.
I get so cross with hypochondria (and cross is a silly word to use). I wonder if you do too? I've never heard you make corporeal complaints, once on behalf of your daughter, but never for yourself. You don't get ill. I suppose you pride yourself on that (I do too) and you quietly exude rude health. You don't look healthy. But you are. MR described you as warm blooded today, because she can't turn up the heating without you remarking on it, though you're not like GF, who keeps it turned down because she's got enough insulation wrapped round her skeleton structure. You look muscular. I daresay you reckon I'm a little nice-but-dim. Or pointlessly eccentric, or adorned with useless fripperies. Do I make you nervous? Do I seem like I'll say the wrong thing, and then there'll be a backspin, you have to say the wrong thing too and we're all sixes and sevens?
Warm blooded is right. You're sensible and hard and effective, but I can't help think you're warm underneath. I saw you teach the other day, and you seem so sweet when you're nervous. Sweet with everyone looking at you and learning, because you can keep their attention and get them to learn. I wish I could. I can't stand that my family values appearance so much, but then you do too... in a different way. You're never seen out of uniform, your uniform, which isn't the most exciting but is neat and clean all the time, it's not haute couture but it's you, so it looks stylish, and I think comfortable from the way you move in it. You don't wear makeup (my Mother would be shocked). Did you? I don't think you ever did. Noone taught you, maybe. Maybe it was never a thought for you? Maybe you were too busy excelling at la vie sportif, or doing other things that are worthwhile to bother with something so useless. Maybe you do care, but you feel all of these other things too.
I couldn't look as proud or dignified as you without my daily mask.
I am silly for notifying you of things that aren't particular. I don't want to bore you. I just like to watch you be mercurial and beautiful. I'd like to see an explosion, as rumoured by colleagues, and I like to see you calm in your office at the end of the day. You seem to make your desk small by hunching over it, and there's some kind of comfort that comes from watching the curve of your back link up to the shine of your grey-chestnut hair. Though no words float between the doors, you're there and it's enough.
1430 today, written elsewhere.
I put my foot in it, but otherwise I'm fine. I feel squared out and reasonable. I get a lie in tomorrow.
I get so cross with hypochondria (and cross is a silly word to use). I wonder if you do too? I've never heard you make corporeal complaints, once on behalf of your daughter, but never for yourself. You don't get ill. I suppose you pride yourself on that (I do too) and you quietly exude rude health. You don't look healthy. But you are. MR described you as warm blooded today, because she can't turn up the heating without you remarking on it, though you're not like GF, who keeps it turned down because she's got enough insulation wrapped round her skeleton structure. You look muscular. I daresay you reckon I'm a little nice-but-dim. Or pointlessly eccentric, or adorned with useless fripperies. Do I make you nervous? Do I seem like I'll say the wrong thing, and then there'll be a backspin, you have to say the wrong thing too and we're all sixes and sevens?
Warm blooded is right. You're sensible and hard and effective, but I can't help think you're warm underneath. I saw you teach the other day, and you seem so sweet when you're nervous. Sweet with everyone looking at you and learning, because you can keep their attention and get them to learn. I wish I could. I can't stand that my family values appearance so much, but then you do too... in a different way. You're never seen out of uniform, your uniform, which isn't the most exciting but is neat and clean all the time, it's not haute couture but it's you, so it looks stylish, and I think comfortable from the way you move in it. You don't wear makeup (my Mother would be shocked). Did you? I don't think you ever did. Noone taught you, maybe. Maybe it was never a thought for you? Maybe you were too busy excelling at la vie sportif, or doing other things that are worthwhile to bother with something so useless. Maybe you do care, but you feel all of these other things too.
I couldn't look as proud or dignified as you without my daily mask.
I am silly for notifying you of things that aren't particular. I don't want to bore you. I just like to watch you be mercurial and beautiful. I'd like to see an explosion, as rumoured by colleagues, and I like to see you calm in your office at the end of the day. You seem to make your desk small by hunching over it, and there's some kind of comfort that comes from watching the curve of your back link up to the shine of your grey-chestnut hair. Though no words float between the doors, you're there and it's enough.
Saturday, 21 March 2009
Ah, today I saw...
Lady of the House, and as usual, she was off campaigning. I made excuses and didn't go. I don't want to be of her causes, I want to be for her. She's lovely. I wish she'd let people be her friend instead of her ally; she gets mixed up over which is which, because of politics. There's no denying that people are unlikely to be friends with people holding extremely differing views, but people need to open their minds a little bit, I think. I want to be her friend, because I think she's wonderful, and cool.
I am seeing her tomorrow, Kindness. I like her a lot, and she's so shy in such strange ways. I was tired today, because of running about so much I suppose. I spend way too much time checking my tongue in the mirror. The sky is yours, so please don't please don't please don't. I'm so fickle, and fluid, never fixated at one point. I can't think about Mercury because thinking of her draws me to work, and what awaits Monday morning; evidence of my unprofessionalism, so I can't assimilate.
Kindness is pedantic and ridiculous about conflicts and things that don't really matter, eschewing things that do matter, and she is sometimes rude and grating. But she's safe. I think she's probably happy. I like to think of her being happy. As with anyone I fixate on, I think she's beautiful.
Today I walked 3 miles and bike rode about nine, or eight to ten. So I've burned off around 600 calories.
I ate:
2 pieces of bread and chocolate spread-200
A smoothie (orange juice, mango, ice and water)-100
a hot cross bun-200
500
a jacket potato-500
3 cubes of chocolate-100
1100
some pineapple-60
a slice of cheese-70
bread, cheese and tomatoes-180
a piece of cake-300
1700... but because of exercise, about 1100. That could be better, but could be worse.
I am seeing her tomorrow, Kindness. I like her a lot, and she's so shy in such strange ways. I was tired today, because of running about so much I suppose. I spend way too much time checking my tongue in the mirror. The sky is yours, so please don't please don't please don't. I'm so fickle, and fluid, never fixated at one point. I can't think about Mercury because thinking of her draws me to work, and what awaits Monday morning; evidence of my unprofessionalism, so I can't assimilate.
Kindness is pedantic and ridiculous about conflicts and things that don't really matter, eschewing things that do matter, and she is sometimes rude and grating. But she's safe. I think she's probably happy. I like to think of her being happy. As with anyone I fixate on, I think she's beautiful.
Today I walked 3 miles and bike rode about nine, or eight to ten. So I've burned off around 600 calories.
I ate:
2 pieces of bread and chocolate spread-200
A smoothie (orange juice, mango, ice and water)-100
a hot cross bun-200
500
a jacket potato-500
3 cubes of chocolate-100
1100
some pineapple-60
a slice of cheese-70
bread, cheese and tomatoes-180
a piece of cake-300
1700... but because of exercise, about 1100. That could be better, but could be worse.
Friday, 20 March 2009
The horses are coming, so you'd better run.
I'm dealing with things all wrong, just when I thought I was getting the hang of it.
Is this how DB or MC would deal with things? I doubt it. I suppose I am me, but I am not them and they're brilliant, and this irks me, though, as my wise sister says, I have only been at this for a month and a half. It's early days.
I just hate getting things wrong, especially people things- it makes me feel like I'm naive and stupid and silly, not to be trusted, like I've got to be watched. Not happy.
I ate:
a biscuit-40
a tuna and cucumber sandwich-300
a smoothie (mango and some fruit juice, ice and water)-100
muesli and raisins-300
I suppose I am happy about that.
I asked Mercury what I should do, because RK said I should tell those in authority. She said the same thing, and because I'd been embarrassed telling her, she said, "they go through phases like that, they thought I was seeing someone in the department, and she was a lesbian- I'm not, and I have no prejudices, but it was just inaccurate". I smiled. Because you aren't prejudiced, I don't think, though I usually don't like it when people say, nothing against them, but...
It's because if the world was equal, you shouldn't be embarrassed about who you fancy.
But even so, I thought... I wonder what you think, having been faced with that. Because if you are, and if you feel that way, then someone else pointing it out would make you feel so transparent, so very blatant. I suppose it's not so obvious with me, in my skirts and makeup (though short hair's a giveaway). I suppose you do look like the stereotype; big and broad, no makeup, no skirt. Is it that simple? You wear a powder blue fleece to walk home in. I'd like to hold you into my shoulder and say, "I'm so glad", that you're comfortable and that you're you. I suppose it is that you're just not gay. I don't know why I find that so inconceivable, except for my own longings, of course. She hid around corners, and hid on the bed.
I think you're beautiful. I have written it so many times. I like you and your way of looking me in the eye, then away nervously. Your hair was more chestnut than grey today, matching the day's blaze. And you truly are kind. You're not feminine and hen-like, clucking about, like the others- you're authoritative and kind. The others are authoritative too. I'm rubbish at that. I'm rubbish at denying information.
Is this how DB or MC would deal with things? I doubt it. I suppose I am me, but I am not them and they're brilliant, and this irks me, though, as my wise sister says, I have only been at this for a month and a half. It's early days.
I just hate getting things wrong, especially people things- it makes me feel like I'm naive and stupid and silly, not to be trusted, like I've got to be watched. Not happy.
I ate:
a biscuit-40
a tuna and cucumber sandwich-300
a smoothie (mango and some fruit juice, ice and water)-100
muesli and raisins-300
I suppose I am happy about that.
I asked Mercury what I should do, because RK said I should tell those in authority. She said the same thing, and because I'd been embarrassed telling her, she said, "they go through phases like that, they thought I was seeing someone in the department, and she was a lesbian- I'm not, and I have no prejudices, but it was just inaccurate". I smiled. Because you aren't prejudiced, I don't think, though I usually don't like it when people say, nothing against them, but...
It's because if the world was equal, you shouldn't be embarrassed about who you fancy.
But even so, I thought... I wonder what you think, having been faced with that. Because if you are, and if you feel that way, then someone else pointing it out would make you feel so transparent, so very blatant. I suppose it's not so obvious with me, in my skirts and makeup (though short hair's a giveaway). I suppose you do look like the stereotype; big and broad, no makeup, no skirt. Is it that simple? You wear a powder blue fleece to walk home in. I'd like to hold you into my shoulder and say, "I'm so glad", that you're comfortable and that you're you. I suppose it is that you're just not gay. I don't know why I find that so inconceivable, except for my own longings, of course. She hid around corners, and hid on the bed.
I think you're beautiful. I have written it so many times. I like you and your way of looking me in the eye, then away nervously. Your hair was more chestnut than grey today, matching the day's blaze. And you truly are kind. You're not feminine and hen-like, clucking about, like the others- you're authoritative and kind. The others are authoritative too. I'm rubbish at that. I'm rubbish at denying information.
Thursday, 19 March 2009
Everybody wants to know, why I'm walking round with a big smile on my face.
I suppose it's because I'm happy in my work. Not as happy as yesterday, but I am happy- and I like it, and I managed to tell someone my age some things that she didn't know. I was pleased. Though the girl my age is slight and nervous- nerves, not so different to how I was. I am more chilled out now, but I'm still sometimes nervous. She was amazed at how well I knew the girls, she's been there the same amount of time- though observing, not doing, and not with just one set. I have been with one set, doing things, and that's why I know them. But I am happy that I do.
Today:
2 clementines-40
a cheese salad sandwich-300
340
cereal-250
some salad-200
800
a smoothie-120
some popcorn-50
970
bread and nutella (1 slice)-100
flake-170
snack-60
1300
I'm due on my period, which is probably why I've felt so tired and why I've ate so much chocolate.
I wonder if you have days like this darling? Dog days, are over. Not as such... I suppose they're just the way sometimes. I wonder if you worry about food. You don't seem to, even when you're spilling it all over yourself. You worry about looking clumsy with it, and probably in an abstract way about being greedy and clearing your plate to look polite, but not in this way. Not like the other women do. Is it because of that that they won't bond with you? I think it's probably just because you're the boss, because I like the way you do what you do. SS doesn't diet, and I don't think JM does really, either. SS is accepted, JM not so much, so it's not reliant on that. RA, one of my favourites, has displayed vague dissatisfaction, like AG, but neither of them seem to care particularly. JW doesn't, and doesn't need to. I don't know what it is; is it tremulousness? JM is tremulous, and so is she in a different way. A stronger way, but it's there, underneath the table with her twisting pen and her half smile- do you get my joke, do you understand I'm not being how you think I am?
I think I get you, dear. I would love to hear all of the things people say about me- good or bad. I'd like to know what they are. I wonder what dogs you, what constitutes your dog days? You seem so cheerful. Money, maybe, or people? It doesn't seem to frustrate you, and I haven't ever heard you mention friends. Shunned in the playground? Then why should you choose to return? I like you. I would have liked you. Can I pinpoint loneliness accurately enough? Am I pinpointing anything accurately?
I wonder what you think about me. Am I a little puppy, do you find the tone of my voice irritating but want to ruffle my hair nontheless? Do you hate looking at me, and think I'm terrible at what I'm doing? I've got a silly way of twisting words... reconfiguring timetables, you said, "Ah, that'll be good, because you know some German and MC knows a bit of...", and I jumped in, "how to deal with the kids better", and you said, "no, more... what to do if it's a bit slow". Twisting twisting, and now you're going to think I'm awful. Noone was particularly glad that I was employed, except for GF and I can be sure that she wouldn't have chosen me, and that the gladness was most probably faked. I don't know why, and I know that LC had more experience and was probably generally better, but I would really rather I'd been offered it on the spot. I'd been first choice. Was it a toss up between us, and she just won out, or was it that I was a reluctant second, because the other person didn't turn up and the other two were awful? Do you think I'm a silly girl?
That would be the worst thing, unless you liked it. Isn't it strange that things seem so bad in me, but if you liked them, then maybe I could too. But you're not the sort that craves sweetness, you crave effective people, I think. Effective, decent people that you don't feel nervous around, because they might skitter off into some kind of unknown territory before you can blink, silly girls that worry about silly things, far removed from spheres of what's necessary. I desperately want to be an effective person, that's not easily led, that can complete tasks well and diligently. I am diligent, but I veer off course... and that is silly, and I don't mind being thought of as a bit strange, or even eccentric, but I want people to think I'm effective and that I can. I don't want to seem as if I can't.
I crave sweet things, and you. You are sweet but not in an overt way. GF tries to be sweet, but she really isn't. You can see the glint in her curranty little eyes, something approaching malice. Snuffling out a place to be kind with daggers underneath. You're nothing like that. You try not to be sweet, you try to be calm and down to earth, but underneath it all you're very lovely, endearing in your clumsy habits and nice in the best way, without simpering (another thing I can't stand, and hope to goodness I'm not). You are fair and kind to the kids, and you're not bossy with us, and I like the way you are. Mercurial hair, upright and fair, glasses glare laid nightly bare.
Today:
2 clementines-40
a cheese salad sandwich-300
340
cereal-250
some salad-200
800
a smoothie-120
some popcorn-50
970
bread and nutella (1 slice)-100
flake-170
snack-60
1300
I'm due on my period, which is probably why I've felt so tired and why I've ate so much chocolate.
I wonder if you have days like this darling? Dog days, are over. Not as such... I suppose they're just the way sometimes. I wonder if you worry about food. You don't seem to, even when you're spilling it all over yourself. You worry about looking clumsy with it, and probably in an abstract way about being greedy and clearing your plate to look polite, but not in this way. Not like the other women do. Is it because of that that they won't bond with you? I think it's probably just because you're the boss, because I like the way you do what you do. SS doesn't diet, and I don't think JM does really, either. SS is accepted, JM not so much, so it's not reliant on that. RA, one of my favourites, has displayed vague dissatisfaction, like AG, but neither of them seem to care particularly. JW doesn't, and doesn't need to. I don't know what it is; is it tremulousness? JM is tremulous, and so is she in a different way. A stronger way, but it's there, underneath the table with her twisting pen and her half smile- do you get my joke, do you understand I'm not being how you think I am?
I think I get you, dear. I would love to hear all of the things people say about me- good or bad. I'd like to know what they are. I wonder what dogs you, what constitutes your dog days? You seem so cheerful. Money, maybe, or people? It doesn't seem to frustrate you, and I haven't ever heard you mention friends. Shunned in the playground? Then why should you choose to return? I like you. I would have liked you. Can I pinpoint loneliness accurately enough? Am I pinpointing anything accurately?
I wonder what you think about me. Am I a little puppy, do you find the tone of my voice irritating but want to ruffle my hair nontheless? Do you hate looking at me, and think I'm terrible at what I'm doing? I've got a silly way of twisting words... reconfiguring timetables, you said, "Ah, that'll be good, because you know some German and MC knows a bit of...", and I jumped in, "how to deal with the kids better", and you said, "no, more... what to do if it's a bit slow". Twisting twisting, and now you're going to think I'm awful. Noone was particularly glad that I was employed, except for GF and I can be sure that she wouldn't have chosen me, and that the gladness was most probably faked. I don't know why, and I know that LC had more experience and was probably generally better, but I would really rather I'd been offered it on the spot. I'd been first choice. Was it a toss up between us, and she just won out, or was it that I was a reluctant second, because the other person didn't turn up and the other two were awful? Do you think I'm a silly girl?
That would be the worst thing, unless you liked it. Isn't it strange that things seem so bad in me, but if you liked them, then maybe I could too. But you're not the sort that craves sweetness, you crave effective people, I think. Effective, decent people that you don't feel nervous around, because they might skitter off into some kind of unknown territory before you can blink, silly girls that worry about silly things, far removed from spheres of what's necessary. I desperately want to be an effective person, that's not easily led, that can complete tasks well and diligently. I am diligent, but I veer off course... and that is silly, and I don't mind being thought of as a bit strange, or even eccentric, but I want people to think I'm effective and that I can. I don't want to seem as if I can't.
I crave sweet things, and you. You are sweet but not in an overt way. GF tries to be sweet, but she really isn't. You can see the glint in her curranty little eyes, something approaching malice. Snuffling out a place to be kind with daggers underneath. You're nothing like that. You try not to be sweet, you try to be calm and down to earth, but underneath it all you're very lovely, endearing in your clumsy habits and nice in the best way, without simpering (another thing I can't stand, and hope to goodness I'm not). You are fair and kind to the kids, and you're not bossy with us, and I like the way you are. Mercurial hair, upright and fair, glasses glare laid nightly bare.
Wednesday, 18 March 2009
I like my colleagues.
I try to project an image of someone that doesn't care about body image or food. I think I might be getting away with it. I'm not sure. I find it bizarre that all these grown women are on diets or feeding money to a diet culture- do what I do, and do it for free! I might be damaging my psyche by totting it all up, and feeling weird, but I'm trying to snap myself out of it, and when I did go through that blip I didn't spend money. I did it on my own- my meals planned, my exercise was free. I want the girls to be like this, as much as they can- the first part, not caring.
I think you, Mercury, are like this. JM said you can get angry today. You speak in a voice that makes people do things. I had a snippet of that today; but it has to be spite, or malice, that evokes that voice. It can't just be general noisiness, and I don't mind if they're vile to me; in my position, it's expected. It's vile to each other that I can't stand.
Are you really and truly past caring what people think of you? Sometimes I think you are, and other times I wonder, because there's something in the faux relaxed tension of your shoulders that says, I am nervous. You'd never talk about weightwatchers. What do you think of me? Did you want to hire someone else; are you wishing you had? Someone less flighty and silly, and more down to earth. I would like to be down to earth. I can't quite figure it though.
I try to project an image of someone that doesn't care about body image or food. I think I might be getting away with it. I'm not sure. I find it bizarre that all these grown women are on diets or feeding money to a diet culture- do what I do, and do it for free! I might be damaging my psyche by totting it all up, and feeling weird, but I'm trying to snap myself out of it, and when I did go through that blip I didn't spend money. I did it on my own- my meals planned, my exercise was free. I want the girls to be like this, as much as they can- the first part, not caring.
I think you, Mercury, are like this. JM said you can get angry today. You speak in a voice that makes people do things. I had a snippet of that today; but it has to be spite, or malice, that evokes that voice. It can't just be general noisiness, and I don't mind if they're vile to me; in my position, it's expected. It's vile to each other that I can't stand.
Are you really and truly past caring what people think of you? Sometimes I think you are, and other times I wonder, because there's something in the faux relaxed tension of your shoulders that says, I am nervous. You'd never talk about weightwatchers. What do you think of me? Did you want to hire someone else; are you wishing you had? Someone less flighty and silly, and more down to earth. I would like to be down to earth. I can't quite figure it though.
A good day today.
Always overshadowed a bit; this time by colleague worry. I am a bit of an overenthusiastic loser, and I hope the things I say don't sound pompous or judgemental.
There's a colleague they all dislike; and, to be honest, I dislike her as well. She's hugely fat- she's got a waddle, out of breath after walking upstairs, and talks in a saccharine-sweet way. MC, who's brilliant with everyone, says she hates the way she talks to the girls, and she gets on her nerves. I never thought of the way she talked to the girls, but the way she talks to us as a group irritates me. They say she gives us menial jobs to do because she's the manager; I have to admit, she did give me some filing the other day. This worried me because I wonder if they all hate me as well? I'd never know.
The people I thought hated me don't, and others excel, and one is aiming high (though this is not due to my input, but I am impressed nontheless).
She (irritating colleague) asked ten times if there would be anywhere to eat, on this outing we're going on. It feels unfair that this is another stick to beat her with, but I don't care.
I am obsessed with eating, but in a different way... I'd rather be me than her. If they dislike me it will be because of my loud irritating ways and because I overcomplicate when I'm meant to simplify and I don't know what I'm doing yet and because I'm patronising or cold to the girls. I would hate it if the last two were true.
2 biscuits-100
rice chicken salad-400
some raisins-40
540
carrot cake-100
3 slices of toast-300
a smoothie-120
1060
spaghetti-300
a biscuit-85
1445
OK, could be better, could be worse.
It's alright for today, but I want to start walking more. Tomorrow I am going to walk, because I won't have a rehearsal on. I can walk or bike for the next four days or so.
I shouldn't assimilate biking and walking and control, because I enjoy them, and what if I start not to?
There's a colleague they all dislike; and, to be honest, I dislike her as well. She's hugely fat- she's got a waddle, out of breath after walking upstairs, and talks in a saccharine-sweet way. MC, who's brilliant with everyone, says she hates the way she talks to the girls, and she gets on her nerves. I never thought of the way she talked to the girls, but the way she talks to us as a group irritates me. They say she gives us menial jobs to do because she's the manager; I have to admit, she did give me some filing the other day. This worried me because I wonder if they all hate me as well? I'd never know.
The people I thought hated me don't, and others excel, and one is aiming high (though this is not due to my input, but I am impressed nontheless).
She (irritating colleague) asked ten times if there would be anywhere to eat, on this outing we're going on. It feels unfair that this is another stick to beat her with, but I don't care.
I am obsessed with eating, but in a different way... I'd rather be me than her. If they dislike me it will be because of my loud irritating ways and because I overcomplicate when I'm meant to simplify and I don't know what I'm doing yet and because I'm patronising or cold to the girls. I would hate it if the last two were true.
2 biscuits-100
rice chicken salad-400
some raisins-40
540
carrot cake-100
3 slices of toast-300
a smoothie-120
1060
spaghetti-300
a biscuit-85
1445
OK, could be better, could be worse.
It's alright for today, but I want to start walking more. Tomorrow I am going to walk, because I won't have a rehearsal on. I can walk or bike for the next four days or so.
I shouldn't assimilate biking and walking and control, because I enjoy them, and what if I start not to?
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