Everybody wants to know, why I'm walking round with a big smile on my face.

I suppose it's because I'm happy in my work. Not as happy as yesterday, but I am happy- and I like it, and I managed to tell someone my age some things that she didn't know. I was pleased. Though the girl my age is slight and nervous- nerves, not so different to how I was. I am more chilled out now, but I'm still sometimes nervous. She was amazed at how well I knew the girls, she's been there the same amount of time- though observing, not doing, and not with just one set. I have been with one set, doing things, and that's why I know them. But I am happy that I do.

Today:

2 clementines-40
a cheese salad sandwich-300

340

cereal-250
some salad-200

800

a smoothie-120
some popcorn-50

970

bread and nutella (1 slice)-100
flake-170
snack-60

1300

I'm due on my period, which is probably why I've felt so tired and why I've ate so much chocolate.

I wonder if you have days like this darling? Dog days, are over. Not as such... I suppose they're just the way sometimes. I wonder if you worry about food. You don't seem to, even when you're spilling it all over yourself. You worry about looking clumsy with it, and probably in an abstract way about being greedy and clearing your plate to look polite, but not in this way. Not like the other women do. Is it because of that that they won't bond with you? I think it's probably just because you're the boss, because I like the way you do what you do. SS doesn't diet, and I don't think JM does really, either. SS is accepted, JM not so much, so it's not reliant on that. RA, one of my favourites, has displayed vague dissatisfaction, like AG, but neither of them seem to care particularly. JW doesn't, and doesn't need to. I don't know what it is; is it tremulousness? JM is tremulous, and so is she in a different way. A stronger way, but it's there, underneath the table with her twisting pen and her half smile- do you get my joke, do you understand I'm not being how you think I am?

I think I get you, dear. I would love to hear all of the things people say about me- good or bad. I'd like to know what they are. I wonder what dogs you, what constitutes your dog days? You seem so cheerful. Money, maybe, or people? It doesn't seem to frustrate you, and I haven't ever heard you mention friends. Shunned in the playground? Then why should you choose to return? I like you. I would have liked you. Can I pinpoint loneliness accurately enough? Am I pinpointing anything accurately?

I wonder what you think about me. Am I a little puppy, do you find the tone of my voice irritating but want to ruffle my hair nontheless? Do you hate looking at me, and think I'm terrible at what I'm doing? I've got a silly way of twisting words... reconfiguring timetables, you said, "Ah, that'll be good, because you know some German and MC knows a bit of...", and I jumped in, "how to deal with the kids better", and you said, "no, more... what to do if it's a bit slow". Twisting twisting, and now you're going to think I'm awful. Noone was particularly glad that I was employed, except for GF and I can be sure that she wouldn't have chosen me, and that the gladness was most probably faked. I don't know why, and I know that LC had more experience and was probably generally better, but I would really rather I'd been offered it on the spot. I'd been first choice. Was it a toss up between us, and she just won out, or was it that I was a reluctant second, because the other person didn't turn up and the other two were awful? Do you think I'm a silly girl?

That would be the worst thing, unless you liked it. Isn't it strange that things seem so bad in me, but if you liked them, then maybe I could too. But you're not the sort that craves sweetness, you crave effective people, I think. Effective, decent people that you don't feel nervous around, because they might skitter off into some kind of unknown territory before you can blink, silly girls that worry about silly things, far removed from spheres of what's necessary. I desperately want to be an effective person, that's not easily led, that can complete tasks well and diligently. I am diligent, but I veer off course... and that is silly, and I don't mind being thought of as a bit strange, or even eccentric, but I want people to think I'm effective and that I can. I don't want to seem as if I can't.

I crave sweet things, and you. You are sweet but not in an overt way. GF tries to be sweet, but she really isn't. You can see the glint in her curranty little eyes, something approaching malice. Snuffling out a place to be kind with daggers underneath. You're nothing like that. You try not to be sweet, you try to be calm and down to earth, but underneath it all you're very lovely, endearing in your clumsy habits and nice in the best way, without simpering (another thing I can't stand, and hope to goodness I'm not). You are fair and kind to the kids, and you're not bossy with us, and I like the way you are. Mercurial hair, upright and fair, glasses glare laid nightly bare.