Christmas cheer

Oh darling. I just read your blog- you don't know I read it. Yes. I internet stalk you.

You're so fed up, and with good reason, because you're missing someone you can't have back. And you feel the same way I do about christmas- why bother? Why bother at all? You love the people you love, and you don't need any presents. I always feel, with getting presents, that if I don't show enough gratitude then the person giving won't know I love them as much as I do. But they should know I love them anyway. But noone does because I'm emotionally constipated, except with you, then I succumb to verbal diarrhoea. I'd rather get no presents and be done with the hassle of it all. I'd like to have a big meal with all the people I like over, family and friends, though that wouldn't work because all the people I like don't like each other. This sometimes makes me wonder if I'm a schizophrenic- all the people you're friends with are essentially meant to be extensions of yourself. So if I'm friends with so many people, I've got too many fragments of my psyche (this is what schizophrenic literally means, after all) and... well, and what?

I went to a really good party tonight. It was very small, though it didn't intend to be. I felt very welcome. I didn't feel like going out, but when I got there the people that were hosting it were lovely and I just stayed for ages. It made me feel happy, and I laughed so much I had to massage my cheeks. I haven't laughed like that for a bit. Since she dumped me, in fact. But I did, and it makes me happy to know I can. So, that's one of the things I'm grateful for today. Another is... well, I like my shoes. But they're shit and transient. I... I'm not bereaved, the blog brought that home to me. And? And... I'm not in financial trouble. Touch wood. I am possibly in University trouble, which is stupid because at my age they should know to leave well alone, we're our own doing. But I suppose thats what all the thick wasters say.