Different from me.

She saw me today walking down a corridor, absorbed in my phone. She didn't think I saw her but I always see her, I pick her up if she is around. She thought I didn't see her. She was on a staircase. She didn't say hello or shout to stop me. The other day I shouted her, so much. And now I've concluded she hates me. When someone that used to love you hates you, you wonder if it's what you do to them that makes them hate you, or if it's their reaction to you, or if you've just revealed too much of yourself... I think I did. She thought I was strong and self assured and I am anything but. I'm glad I project the image, but I wish I was different. Less bolshy in some ways, more in others. She doesn't play the game anymore.

I resolved to use this blog to write stories about other people in, to take on other characteristics. I haven't so far; I've just used it to ramble about relationships. All the relationships I've ever been in have had a power dynamic of one being loved, and one doing the loving and not receiving so much in return. I have usually been the deficient lover; that is, not giving out. Sometimes the dynamic changed. It's definitely better to be the one that isn't in love as opposed to the one that has ran headlong into it. Stuck in glutinous jelly. It's every bit as comic and disgusting as being stuck in jelly to be too deep in a crush; crush, not love, because love must be reciprocal and this is not. In my other crush, I used to let it out when I was drunk in text messages to him. So I am glad that I have got this outlet instead. But why does there always have to be a power dynamic? Why can't it ever just be equal?