A hopeful Fatty writes.

Eating today:

150 calories of chocolate
A cranberry and turkey sandwich (400)
1.5 cubes of galaxy hazelnut promises (75)
3 guilliano chocolates (150)
3 quality street toffees (120 cals)
small portion of chips (300)
broth and a slice of bread (100)
slice of stollen (150)

1450.

And I ate a tangerine. I've got a feeling I ate more chocolate than that. I went on a five mile walk today but I don't think it'll have counteracted much. I feel fat fat fat. I usually do. I'm surprised my fingers are slim enough to type, I'm that lardy (joke).

I had a mild craving for her today. I still haven't contacted her, and I must before new year because if I leave it any longer it'll just get weird. Ugh, I don't want to want her because that makes me pitiful and weak and under her control, even if she doesn't know it. I think she must. I really do hate loss of control; I suppose we all do. But I feel it in different ways, for example, when going to another country, I am fine getting lost or finding my way or whatever. It's all about not having power over how other people perceive me. I want to control how they think of me. That really is quite psychopathic isn't it?

I have to start eating less. And doing more exercise. I know it won't change anything but I'd feel better within myself, like I was able to stand up better for myself if I had control over my body. I'd feel better about myself and as a result other people would feel better about me. That's how it would work. I don't think being thinner would actually help me with anything else; I don't think I'll suddenly become cleverer or prettier. It would be a self esteem thing.

I got a sewing machine this christmas, and my first attempts at creating garments are shocking. I coventrated some tops and made them into the shittiest dress you've ever seen. I must begin to make things better. I'll look for patterns tomorrow. I love my sewing machine. So I am glad I've got that. What else am I glad about? Well, that I like books. I like that I like books, and that I don't like Jane Austen. I am glad that I am not bereaved. My family and friends (touch wood) are all healthy and hale. I am glad that I have made headway in doing work. I am glad that tomorrow I am having a night out with my friends. There are really lots of things to be glad about.