Overeating again. Oh damn.

He came over last night; he was lovely. I never know how much he's flirting with other girls or not, and he said he was glad I liked the play he'd written- I don't like it compared to everything, but compared to other things he's written. I'm happy to be in it anyway.

We spent till about nine am together. Half kissing. I like that he is insecure about how broad he is. I adore him for it, really. I feel safe with him, and comfortable. He's so easy to wind around, and he's got this lovely face. Oh, I adore it when he's worried about something.

Pudding came too; I still don't know about her. She stuck around for a bit before feeling like a third wheel, then left. But because he will hold her too I feel like I'm not the one and only he does this with. I'd like to tell him that he is good looking. I have, but I don't think it goes in.

I've started to let him touch my neck; it was the area I felt self-conscious about, and he did touch it, and it was fine. But last night he touched my stomach (which is flabby and awful, worse, maybe than my ugly neck, because whilst the tendons and bones in my neck look horrible, the stomach is evidence of gluttony, and I hate people knowing). He had a theory that when he'd touched it I wouldn't feel so self-conscious. But really I just felt worse. He said there was nothing there- I think he lies. I've been thinner and I'm not happy at being this way. How did he know?

I wonder how it felt not to be able to make me feel better. I always want to tell him, in those moments, exactly how precious he is to me, or how much I adore him, and I never have. Last night he shut his eyes for a while and I mouthed, "you are beautiful".

I am so ridiculously fickle, and I talk about being safe but I am not actually at all safe with him. Does he do this to other girls? Does he want Pudding, secretly, and does she know that he wants her; are they actually together? Does he want Producer/actress? He never distinguishes. I might never know or be sure.