Telling people things.

I told a mutual friend the other day about Bombazine Doll, her pitying me and then seeing me. It was alright, except for that I don't know how much I can trust... it's two people that know about it, and one knows Bombazine Doll. More than one. But two that I see in my everyday life. I hate it, it's worrying me that soon everyone will know and find me an object of pity.

I told her the whole thing; how I found out via myspace. Her reaction was strange; she said Bombazine Doll had idolized me for a long time, and wouldn't accept that she'd been with me only because she pitied me. It made me realise, that far from wanting her back, now I don't at all. And I feel for her, now, the one I told, or confessed to as she already knew. She thinks I'm ridiculous; and I'm terrified she's laughing at me behind my back, or discussing me, or something like that. I feel worried, and embarrassed all over again. It's strange, because usually to like someone I have to feel that they need me; I don't feel that she needs me at all. She never would.

It's scary, how I can change so fast. I've got no hope of it happening anyway- because she said she's never been in love with anyone. I said I've felt it, but I think love has to be reciprocal; and though you feel it at the time, it never lasts, not at our age. She said she's just never felt it, ever. I think it's because of her parents. And she alluded to some sort of father problem she'd told another one of our circle (but not me) and didn't elucidate. I'd have listened, but I didn't want to push her. I touched her sometimes, just on the shoulder- and that's far more than normal for me- and now I fear she might know, and I'll feel stupid again; trying for someone else that's got no interest in me whatsoever. Noone I want ever has; or is it that I only want people who don't want me? Either way, what if she starts spreading rumours; I never trust anyone. Ever. I feel that I've mistrusted her. I don't trust myself, anywhere. I even feel embarrassed referring to Bombazine Doll with that epithet, even though I only do on here and nowhere else.

Little Bird is sweet and safe and soft, and needs me. And I like her. I want to tell her, and I would trust her. I've got no reason not to trust the told; but I do, innately. Knowledge is power and all. Sometimes I just want to bury my head into Little Bird's shoulder and tell her each and every tiny thing; I never do.