Vodka on Tap.

There's something beautifully onomatopeic about the title of this blog, and that's why I chose it. I like vodka well enough, but not enough to title a blog so; I think it can look elegant, I like most that it tastes harsh and that it's very effective as an analgesic; it's Russian in so many ways.

He came over last night, and when we are alone together I want to stroke his face and lie with him (as we do). He lets me into his little world and I feel I might crush it so easily; we are so close to kissing, so often. I do adore him, when we are like that; but then he doesn't write excellent plays that mean things, plays that I want to be in, and so I can't respect him creatively. He's awful at paying back money that people have borrowed, that I've borrowed, and he keeps telling me I've got bad breath, or draws attention to my bad skin; and I cannot abide with those two. Three.

Someone told me today I was underrated by our student theatre. She's a good actress, and I kind-of trust her opinion. She doesn't get parts, I think, because she's got Hong-Kong heritage; if it was up to me, there would be race blind casting. I think it's stupid to beset a play with racial problems; can't they just take it aside? All the best theatre companies do. I cannot see why I should be rejected, as a caucasian I'm not exactly excluded by race laws; if I am as good an actress as she suggests, then why on earth have I not got more parts by now? Because I am bad; this is the only reason. Either that, or I am too distinctive looking, too tall, too broad, too ugly or whatever else there needs to be. What is wrong with me that I do not get parts? I did think it was those reasons; it's better to think it's that than to think it's because I'm talentless.

I am terrified of applying to these theatre schools. Terrified.

And anyway, what about Little Bird? I'm scared I annoyed her because I was showing off about the German last night. I do like her a lot. She's so pretty, so funny, so clever, and when she's quiet for a long time (because she fluctuates between being silent and being manic sometimes, and I think I adore her silent time). She doesn't care if I disagree with her. She's started to lose weight again. I hope she's alright.

Today I ate:

granola-200
some raisins-170
some nachos-170
540
a sandwich-360
a smoothie-200
1100
a cube of caramac-20
pie crust-265
quorn and vegetables-200

1600

Is today's grand total. Not too bad.

But today, today, today, I started my period and I didn't wear makeup and I felt hideously fat. Not pretty at all; especially as I saw this really thin girl in a play naked, and even she looked fat- if she looks like that, how must I look? Ugh.