And you push me out to a state of emergency.

I went to spend a week with a friend abroad, and it was fantastic. And I think I will move out and go somewhere and do something other than being who and what I am now. I like Germ.

I will make a plan detailing the next half century. I make miniscule to do lists, but really the big picture... I'll realise I don't need the miniscule when I've got years and years.

I was imagining her, the Kind one, all of the nights. I just thought of how comforting she is. Unintentionally wonderful and kind, it's so lovely how she is. And you push me up to this state... I wonder what she would think if she knew what I was thinking? She would hate it, because she doesn't adore me. I don't know who she adores. I wish I did. It would give me more of a clue anyway.

I know I made her sad once and she'll not trust me again. But I adore her. It's a passing phase like everything. I'll never do something forever. Someone, haha.

I just want someone who is safe that I can love who loves me back, who is clever and kind and upright and yet still inexplicably somehow would love me in return. I am clingy when I'm this way. I'm silly and stupid and soft. Malleable and easily hurt and exactly the sort of person I'd hate, so how can I expect anyone to love me? I love people with tender intelligent vulnerability that expresses itself in strong facades. It's always the way. My heart beats that little bit more at a clumsy kindness or when she says why did they think I was brilliant, why, why am I good? It makes me want to say, oh you're brilliant you're put on a pedestal by me. It makes me want to take their hand and play them a beautiful song and say, that, that one makes me think of you dear. That's what would happen in a perfect poetic world, they'd soften and I'd soften, because outwardly I am a hard person and they can be scary but underneath I just know that they are safe. In the real world I tongue trip over my words recalcaitrant and truant my feeling for them.