Your prettiness is seeping out from the dress I took from you.

Yesterday's was around 1500. Not too good.

So far today:

muesli-260
a biscuit--70
smoothie-70

I want something soft.

I want softness in my world. I want encouragement.

But why should I expect it? What have I done that warrants it? Nothing, I am not special and there is no reason that I should have softness and comfort when so many others want it. The answer is to look to help other people, because what you provide comes back to you.

I had an argument with my Mum last night because she stayed up late. Night time is the only time I get completely to myself, and I needed that bit of time, and I didn't get it, and it made me angry, and Mum said I was acting like a spoilt brat and we couldn't even have a proper argument about it because I didn't want to make her angry.

If I think about how she is feeling... it would have been different. She just wanted to sort out some tax things. I should have said it differently.

I felt like I was just being ignored, like I didn't matter. I wondered if I wasted away again if it would make any difference; of course, it wouldn't but in my mind, thin equals unreprehensible. I just wanted time on my own. I share a room. Mum's always saying how bad she feels about this but she obviously doesn't feel so bad that she'll let me have a bit of time to myself. That's the main crux of what makes me feel furious.

I turned my thoughts to her. Magic. She's so... she isn't soft but she doesn't make me feel bad. She is a source of something. She liked my posters. I liked that they had a point for her. She makes me feel like whatever I am, I am needed. Though maybe she only needs me for being a body, for just being there, but then doesn't everyone just need someone to stand about, that's what work is all about but I don't want to think of her as that mercenary.

She makes me feel like she isn't judging me though I do think she is. I want her more than anything. I imagined curling round her at night. I wonder if she thinks I am silly. I desperately don't want people to think I am silly, but they must. They must.