We were just two lovers crying on each other's shoulders.

I like her because she doesn't interrogate my plans, she's just kind about them, and supportive, and her voice doesn't annoy me when she gives me advice.

I so badly want her approval. I'm such a silly goose, a funny ossity, a pathetic person. She'd like me more if I cared less, or would she? I don't know. I want to please her so I can please me, really, because pleasing her pleases me. Narcissist.

I wonder what she would say. I don't want you to be a role for me, I just want to be us together. I would like to invite her out somewhere.

She laughed with me the other day and tapped me on the shoulder, laughing. I'd made fun of her, and she blushed and tapped and laughed. Easy, and I made her happy. I brushed her on the stomach by accident. It's so strange that I remember every point of contact. She doesn't know that I don't hug or kiss.

I worry I don't sound authentic around her because she's so authentic, and I'm flippant and silly, though I really do mean it but I'm just not used to expressing feelings so very much. I worry I sound like Little Bird can, over-meaning, but not really meaning, though I do mean.

Another thing that worries me is that I won't be the best. Until now I've been the only person like me that sees her- the only person from outside the House. I was the only journalist, till the other one turned up. I had something. At meals she'd ask me what I thought to break the silence, that sort of thing. I don't know. It's not anything really. But last night there were tons of girls like me, tons of pretty girls impressed with her, all authentic that wanted to help properly and thought she was good. And I thought, I haven't got anything compared to them. I'm silly. They're cleverer and funnier and prettier and more sensible and more authentic and helpful. I shrank into myself, confronted with these people that I think will creep high into her esteem. If she doesn't think it already, she'll get bored with me. The others are better than me, and they'd replace me easily if I have any place in her affections.

I want desperately for her to like me more. I can't tell her. I told her that the girls I was talking to thought she was brilliant. So she knows. It's not that I think she'll embark on a relationship with one of them, it's just that I want my place in her heart, and I don't want other people to have it, or to be the same... it's that old selfish wish to be the best, the one and only. It must come from being the oldest, the precious only child that's then shunted aside. I do have these horrible jealous feelings. I am a horrible person. I should be happy so many people turned up, that they were cool, that they want to help, that it made her happy. I am happy about those things. I'm happy it made her happy. But there's also a piece of me that feels all those disgustingly petty things as well, because it's not easy for me to be the one and only me when there are fifteen other, better me's out there. I'm so stupid.