Starting.

I've started a new job I hate. I've ate too much for the past three days, far too much and I feel fat.

I hate feeling fat.

There's always tomorrow to make it better.

I will get back to Blue Remembered Hills.
I will illustrate and get a bar job to subsidise theatre school.
I will keep looking for work.
I will start a mature theatre group.

She's started to leave me a single kiss at the end of emails.

It's such a silly thing to hang myself up on. I thought maybe she always did it, so I checked, previous things she'd sent and she hasn't. Three times now. Her name, then x. It means more because I never put x. Not when I don't mean it. But she doesn't know this, so maybe I will start putting x for her.

I'm not mad. I know that there isn't the slightest chance that the x could mean what I want it to mean. It's something she puts to anyone she's acquainted with, something friendly and loving without being over-effusive. She means it the same way that she means a touch on the arm and a big hug and asking me about my life.

It's just at night that I sometimes like to pretend she means something else. Like when she pretends she's living in Paradise, when she pretends a pumpkin's a carriage. I don't doubt she could make those things come true if she wanted. I can't. I haven't got the magic, but I can pretend.