Eating today:
Fried egg bread (1 egg, semi skimmed milk, 2 slices of bread, piece of butter) (450)
a maryland cookie (50)
20g plain chocolate (100)
a double decker chocolate bar (275)
leftover vegetable stir fry (125)
apple and peanut butter (200)
1200! Yes. And I did a walk. I was OK yesterday as well. University is so much better for me. Purpose is better for me.
I do think I still want her a bit because I've got this morbid fascination with what she's doing with her new person. Ugh. I am such a stalker. But... nontheless. Slowly, slowly, I am ridding myself of it. And I will be tiny and perfect. Still rejected, but I will feel better that there is less cause to reject me, though I know rejection was not because of how I looked but because of the way I was. And she will.... will what? Say "oh, look, you are small, I love you now!". Of course not. I must stop being so utterly pathetic. Anyway, I shall never be short. Unless I get my kneecaps knocked off.
My period has started today. I slept till two in the afternoon as well. I did some work in the library. I fulfilled my calorie allowance. I have not had a shower. I feel a layer of grease and grime coating me with desiderata. I do not know what desiderata means. Ha, I looked it up, "a poem or essay on attaining happiness in life". I thought it meant debris, dust, of an academic nature, such as the mould that collects on books and other academia.
I want to grow into one of those birdlike old ladies that wear dead looking hats and are always pick-pecking at something, whose eyes are bright. I want to be one of those, that travels the world in a perspicacious manner then comes back at weekends to feed her cat and lunch with friends. Who hits burglars with her umbrella and puts the world to rights and rides motorbikes. I will wear bright clothes that startle foes, and hats and tights to bring delights. I don't want to be a moaner. Loner.
Queen of the Nile, serpentine
Fed on fruits of dark blood wine
Langorous upon a golden bower
Rowed by slaves, decaying hour
Brief sunrise, over cheeks has passed
Night brings truth: nothing lasts
Ephemeral skin adorned by jewels
Evanescent and knowing, surrounded by fools.
I don't know where I was going with that one. I just thought of Cleopatra, getting older, on a float with her slaves. I always write so darkly, I don't know why. It hasn't even got a message. The images don't mean anything. Humph. Why can't I write anything good?
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