Friday, 19 January 2007

I tried to look like Grace Kelly, but all her looks were too sad.

Eating today:

pasta and pesto (400)
a happy hippo (100)
two tangerines (40)
sultanas and yoghurt (300)
Coleslaw (100)
sausage, mushroom, tomato onion stir fry (300)
happy hippo (100)

I am pretty sure I ate something else as well, at lunch with sultanas and yoghurt... I also ate 3 smarties, a polo, and a glass of tia maria and coke. I didn't order diet because it felt stupid.

So I'm saying about 1300. Food alone. I wish I could remember what I'd had at sultana and yoghurt time... not a biscuit. Coleslaw? No. WHAT WAS IT?

I've walked a bit today.

It's so strange... I woke up this morning in a horrendous mood because I'd spent the night feeling shit that my friends were all so much cleverer than me... I've had the same background, but I'm still not achieving as I should. I woke up feeling fatter than ever, uglier, stupider... I can't think of anything you could be, that I would want to be... humorous. I felt like I had no spark. That's so trite, but it was true.

Then, about half four, I went for a walk and the cloud lifted a bit. Then I had my first rehersal and I stopped worrying about what I looked like in my trousers, or that I was the fattest and largest there, and started to properly enjoy these stupid games we were playing. I didn't even feel like I was particularly good at them, but it helped so much to be out and walking about, just in life instead of a bit out of it.

Acting, pretending to be someone else, definitely lifts the cloud.

Knowing someone thought I was good enough to be there was a lift.

I came back in a really good mood, and chirped around with my housemates for a bit. I also discovered a band called Mika, which is good. The music makes me wave my arms and mouth along to the words.

Should we pity those who haven't got as much as us? I would say no, because I hate being pitied. That is one of the reasons I want to lose weight, I hate being discreetly felt sorry for. I don't think we should... I think people from all walks of life can be happy, and it's being happy that counts, even if you're ignorant. I think if you're not happy, you know.

Also, none of my friends want to end up like their mothers... apparently, they're all eating disordered, high achievers. Which is ironic, because they don't have eating disorders but are high achievers. My Mother... I admire her an awful lot. I think she's really cool, cooler than me. She's my code of behaviour, she gives the best advice, she's like a friend and a mother... I don't want to be her. But I don't want to be anyone, really. I know I would like to be powerful and eminent within my chosen industry, though I know that doesn't always bring happiness, doing something worthwhile (so not fashion) and ethical, possibly travelling, or at least involving travel. My Mother would have wanted all of these and could have had them, but she never got the chance. It was never suggested.

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