Last Year.

Well, it was a big year. Now it is over and I can be another person completely this year. This year I will be my own person, because whatever you think about yourself you can make other people think too. I have found this.

I want to sort out my weight. If I could sort that I could stand looking like I do.

I want to start making clothes of my own.

I want to get my hands on some power. And position.

I want to be clever again.

I will do all of these things. I will stop being so pathetic.

I went to a New Year's party and it was good, all of my friends at home were there and it was just lovely to get drunk around them, let off fireworks, take my friend's dog for a walk at five. All stupid things. Dress in fancy dress. Play cards and charades. Dance in a disco glasshouse (not so cool as it sounds).

I am excited that I am in the Vagina Monologues- I got the script not so very long ago. Mine is really tragic- yes, it is unashamedly feminist but I think my bit will bring the whole play down... it's a set of three poems about Baghdad and shit. I wonder if the director had me in mind for that, and why he had me in mind for the Vagina Monologues at all? Did he look at me and assume that, because I am butch looking and pretty blunt, I'd be a good choice? Or did he think I was a whinger because I was in a fairly sepulchral play before? I wonder if I disappointed him at the audition? I wonder if he's changed roles for me after seeing my other performances? Worry worry worry.

I still crave her a little bit. I am so stupid. I thought out of sight out of mind, but that isn't true. Bombazine doll. She isn't. Why won't she talk to me anymore? It's maddening to just be cut out of someone's life. Like some kind of verruca, a foot fungus. Whine whine whine.

I am going to write ten things you might not have known about me.

1. I like starbucks, despite knowing it stands for capitalism and being a complete rip off... I can't tear myself away from that caffeine hit.

2. I'm the first person in my nuclear family to move out of my home town.

3. When I was little, I used to want to be asian. Indian. I also used to want to be a boy, a twin and someone who could converse freely with animals. Too much Enid Blyton, methinks.

4. I get a tickly hot panic feeling in my stomach when some item of clothing, especially just purchased ones, are too tight. Because I know what my mothers reaction will be (shouldn't you have got that in the next size up?) and secretly, I know she is right.

5. I cover my walls in pictures I've drawn and pictures from magazines I like.

6. One day, I might like to have children.

7. The friend I've had since primary school has a different life to me. Completely- I am in higher education, which is partly paid for by my parents, having been encouraged all my life. She has got a baby, a job in childcare, a boyfriend she's settled for but who is lovely and a penchant for too many hairstyling products. She never eats vegetables, I went through a phase when I didn't eat anything else. We are only different because, despite living up the road from each other, we have got completely different parents. I'm glad I had mine. She had every bit as much potential as I did, more, but they didn't bother to eke it out of her.

8. My friends consider me minimalist, possessions wise, but my parents think I've got far too much clutter. Despite being able to cram it into a tiny room and still have the room spick and span.

9. Given the choice, I would love nothing more than to travel round the world, compiling a series of myths and tales from various countries and meeting new people, seeing new things and possibly taking some friends.

10. Despite doing a language course, I've no idea if what I write is any good or not. Similar theories apply to many of my endeavours.