I know New York, I need New York, I know I need unique New York.

Eatings today:

A thai chicken wrap (280)
an apple (40)
some hot chocolate (40)
A chocolate chip cookie (300)
some coffee (0)
soup-carrot, squash and parsnip (150)
a pint of home brewed bitter
two tangerines (40)
an apple tart (200)
cookie dough (100)

1170... without the bitter. Damn damn damn. To be fair, I was up bright and early at half past eight and only had four hours sleep, which is bound to increase appetite... but I shouldn't have had that bitter. I've walked today. I hope that burned it off.

Well, if I hadn't had the bitter my friends would have thought I was rejecting them, and that I disliked them. I do not want them to think this. But I am a person with goals and aims.

I got a 2.2 in an essay I handed in today... this is an improvement on last year, but all of my friends (excepting one) got high 2.1s or firsts. So, comparatively I am shit. I worry that primarily, this shows I am stupid, secondly, my friends will not want to hang around with such an ignoramus, thirdly, I will fail in life and never get a job. The one thing I was good at was academia.... now it turns out that I'm not clever at all.

It could have been worse. I could have failed. At least I improved.

I had a walk round the lake. She cooked me soup. She held the crook of my arm to keep from slipping across some shiny wet floor. She doesn't hate me. Neither is she in love with me. It's better than a kick in the teeth. What if she thinks I'm stupid, or self obsessed or fat or horrid? What if she's secretly thinking all of these things? What if she's not, come on, shake yourself! Don't be so stupid. Ha.

I spent seven hours in the library today. I hope against hope it will come to some sort of use.

So what can I do? Well, I may appear stupid, with my wide set face and vacant eyes. But I can change that, I can do more work, I can become cleverer, I can I can. I can change how I look, I can lose weight, I can.

If I could, I would have the same mark as my friends. Or better.

I am healthy and hale. I am not too financially constrained. I enjoyed the Edukators. I have got friends and family. I am at university, at least, and did not get lower than 56 percent. There are lossom thinge in lyve, as they would say in Middle English. Well, they'd use a thorn for thinge.