Big Fat Day today.

I just took some pictures of myself and I looked fat. I was going to go on a rant now, but I decided not to because I've ranted enough in my head. I just hated them. I look like that in real life, undoubtedly, all fat wrinkles and podge. Today I started my period- this could have something to do with it. I also looked up someone that went to my primary school, who is signed to a record label and doing graphic design, who loves her life. She's in a relationship. Of course, she's incredibly thin as well. All of these factors combined to make me feel crap. If she hasn't changed since school, she's probably still a lovely person and excellent at sports too. I feel like I haven't got anything at all going for me; OK, I don't really want to be signed to a record label, but I'd like an acting agent. I haven't got a book out or anything like that. I'm not even thin. I like my friends. This is the only thing I've got going for me at the moment.

I know, as well, that she's a great person because she is confident. God, I think I might cry. I'm so pathetic- this is my main problem. I'm no good at being me because there isn't anything fantastic about being porky and shy. I feel so second-rate all the time, to everyone, and I'm so sick of it. Just, fuck fuck fuck. I desperately want to find out what it is I am brilliant at. I hate being mediocre at lots of things.

See, what I really want to be is the confident girl at the party that everyone likes because she's genial and cool in an indie type way, because she knows exactly what she likes and she isn't scared of saying it. I know three of them, four even, and one is my cousin. I should just start thinking what they would do on such occasions. I'm scared of saying everything, that I want to move, I want a bigger room, a bigger role, I'm bisexual. The only thing I'm not scared of saying is how shit I am. And that's not a great party starter.

Instead I'm shit. Worse than shit, I'm middling. I hate being middling. And fuck, this did turn into a massive rant.

I don't even want him so much anymore. Is this the start of depression? You lose interest? Or am I losing interest in him?

Ok. Here's what I can do to make this better.

Get the housing contract and start moving.

Or ask for the room.

Start thinking what cooler people would do in such situations.

And to be thin?

Fuck knows. Eat more vegetables and do more exercise.

Three good things about today?

I started more of the dissertation.
I saw friends, and had fun for a bit of it.
I made it in for a lecture (that was cancelled, but at least I was there).

God, I wish life was better.