Today's good things.

1. I saw P. and E.. We always laugh together, and I like that. I like them because they are sharp, funny and non-judgemental. We dislike the same people, and this binds us together, really.
2. I saw Dover and Brazil. Though lecturing, they have got my best interests at heart and they like me.
3. I am in a new play which is wonderful. You're directing. I like everyone in it.
4. You're wonderful, even when you're wan and irritable. You know you are different now.

If you would ever let me in, or if I could ever say the magic words that would unlock you. This is all terribly Blackbird, holey soul. If you could ever know how much power you hold over me I would be terrified to trust you with it, though you never have done me any harm and I suspect you know anyway. You worry so about letting me in. Don't you know I want only to kiss your neck? I'd keep it secret. Vampire.

You haven't noticed, because I do whine to you, but I am getting better. I've stopped worrying so much about being fat and started to realise that it's because I'm not the best at anything but I could be. You helped me with that. You tease me, fat and ugly, but then you tell me honestly that I am a six, not a two, or that I am bony. And it's the honesty that helps most of all, because I know others would tell me I'm a ten or that I'm a flawless actress. I don't want you to think I'm overly reliant on you, because I'm not. I would get along without you, but you do save me from myself sometimes. Could you be this honest with me if you felt the same way as I do? I am honest about your plays and your ridiculousness. But if you asked me to rate your aesthetics, it would be a ten. I value that honesty so very much.

I sat watching television with Dover and Brazil tonight, all the time thinking of sitting with you.

You are tired and abashed. You feel bad. Shhh, shhh. Listen to me when I tell you that you are kind and wonderful, that everyone has bad days. That maybe, maybe, you are bipolar, but there is no weakness in that. You don't want a doctor, or to take the pills. I want to hold you and kiss you about the collapse until you feel safe in yourself again.

I maybe wouldn't help at all though I'm so desperate to. I'd maybe annoy you instead. I hate that I can't return to you what you give so easily to me.