Stressed mess.

Ok.

I did an essay today, I've started another, and I've started my presentation too. It's all going to be fine.

Good things about today were that I got up early, and I did the work, and I was productive, and I had family fun.

I ate:

a chocolate off the christmas tree-50
an eat natural bar-300?

some pea salad- 100

salmon, vegetables and rice for lunch-300

stew and vegetables for dinner-400

three bits of chocolate covered toffee- 150

a pear- 40

This is my best day in ages, and it's over the count of what I'd deem acceptable, but I did feel good when I did it. If I ate like that every day I'd probably stop stressing and lose weight. I shouldn't be writing it down and obsessing over it at all, it's not what makes me feel good, or even what's helpful.

I got the old jealousy for my brother today, he's gone for a sleepover and left me to babysit my smallest sister tomorrow as well as today. He knew I wanted to go to the library. I don't think I'm jealous of his social life, it's my parents- they said he couldn't go, he'd be picked up at ten and then my Dad said he could. He's promised to be home by half nine in the morning, but I know he won't be and I won't be able to do my work. I hate that he can wrap people round his little finger so easily, and that they let themselves be wrapped. It probably is just that I can't do that with people. That's why I'm jealous. He's got something I haven't got.

I got jealous of his bandmate today because everyone accepts that he's a bad singer, and yet he's still allowed to sing with the band. I used to be a terrible singer; I've improved since, but all the time my parents used to say how I couldn't sing and shouldn't go for musicals etc. But they sympathise with this friend, saying it's a shame, etc, instead of that he's plain crap. I'm jealous that I didn't get that opportunity, and that people aren't as honest with him as they are with me. I know that even though I'm no Mariah Carey I'm better than him, and it isn't fair that he gets to sing in a band and I don't. I hate him.

Lastly, I'm jealous of my brother because he is talented and in a band and loves it. I act, but I'm not an amazing actress, I'm OK at best. My parents faces light up when his band is mentioned, because he is a good guitarist, and they're always saying how proud they are of me, but they haven't got anything at all specifically to be proud of. I'm clever but not in a way you could boast about it. I'm good round the house, but I'd rather die than have them use that adjective to describe me. The best I can say is that I'm independent. My brother's charismatic, and mega-talented, and my parents don't really care that he's shit in school because he can be in this band.

Really, what I want is to be talented. If I knew I was amazing at something it wouldn't matter what anyone else thought. But what on earth is that going to be?