Hazardous day

God, you were beautiful today, I'd almost forgotten over the holidays, how much I like to stare at you. I'd forgotten your eyes and your skin, and how I want to touch the slope in your back and slip underneath your jacket. I want to kiss each of your fingers, and to stroke your flushed cheek. I wish you wouldn't do your hair like that; I like your curls best.

You were talking about the man I'd been with before you, you don't know about the woman. Anyway, you laughed at him, because he's ugly. I'd not thought of it before; I thought we matched, he and I, and that you'd be kind because you didn't want me to know exactly how ugly I was in return. You told me I was cruel for not ending it properly; you sounded almost admiring, and I said I had a tendency to make people cry, which always made me awkward.

And you laughed at me because we worked out that I like fat men, and I do. I can't stand thin men that I think I might break, if they aren't friends.

It must have been blazingly obvious to everyone else in the library that I adore you, because when you turned back to work I kept staring at your reflection in the window. I don't know if it's obvious to you, if you don't look back for fear of having to confront it and telling me you don't like me like that... or that you do, and then it would be the end after we'd gone out. Because we're too young really, to be in a relationship forever.

You said you didn't want to be in a relationship because it takes up time, but we spend all of ours together... I wouldn't be a hassle.

The thing I lack
Is the bit of your back
And your neck's pretty too
It's about all of you.

I love it when you tell me I'm stupid for thinking the way I do about myself, because it means you think more of me than I do of myself.

Someone else said today that this girl I'd thought was thinner than me was fatter. That made me feel good, and it shouldn't have. I'm trying so hard not to care, but I do.

A big shortbread-500
An apple-40
Pasta, spinach and salmon-400
two kinder eggs-100
some apricots-100
two wafer biscuits-150
two tangerines-40

I wasn't going to write that, or at least, I was going to leave off the calorie writing. But I did. He hasn't made me that secure yet. I think that what I like about him is that he could think I'm ugly and fat and all the rest, but that he likes me nontheless. I like him because he is clever, and over-confident, and arrogant, and so vulnerable underneath it all. He'd laugh at that last one, and I would too. He's funny.