I had a bagel with cream cheese, pesto and spinach, and two cubes of chocolate (65). The bagel is 300, cheese 60, pesto 100. So that's a meal for 520 cals.
I feel like shit because I've been looking at his ex girlfriend's webpage. This has perturbed me for two reasons:
1. She seems alright, and he usually demonizes her. I wonder why? Does he do this to everyone?
2. She is a far better version of me than I am. She's thin, pretty, goes to Cambridge and knows what she wants and says when she wants it. I thought she would be ugly, because he was so disdainful partly, but mostly because she's a self-harmer. The other self-harmers I know are ugly or built like a brick shithouse- there's something off, and she isn't at all, physically. She dresses unusually. I'm this watered down version. So if he does hate her, if he ever in a million years saw me as anything other than one of the guys, I'd still be second best. I'd be gone in 3.5 days. And he only went out with her for a week. He always says he doesn't want a long term relationship, but this is essentially what we've got now, without anything sexual. So being friends, then.
I know what is wrong with my eating: I obsess about it. I think too much and it makes me old, worried and haggard. She probably doesn't think about it what with being thin. I am old at twenty one and she is nineteen. I am jealous of someone I've never met, that he perpetually says was miserable, humourless and spoilt. He doesn't want anyone for a start, much less me, and far less someone that won't measure up to someone he had for a week.
Why would I ever think I, me, chubby, spotty, boring, insecure me, could seduce someone that is essentially celibate? I need to sort my life.
And the first way I will sort it is not to think of myself like that.
So. Well, here is a good thing about today: I arranged to take some drugs with another friend, which will make me happy, because experimenting out of my comfort zone does. I always worry I'll be a Leah Betts, but never too much to stop me. Here is another: I saw him and he told me he hated my jumper (it's a huge turquoise men's one) and I looked like a tennis player with my academic headband, but he let me fix his collar. I like this. What else? I took a close up photograph of myself with my new camera, zoomed in on the hairs and found I'd got a moustache. That's terrifying, but at least now I know about it.
It rained today and I had a lift in his car, so that was good. I like the rain. It's part of my name for duplicitous reasons. Dualist reasons, they're not lies.
I do like being one of the guys: I'm part of a friendship group (two friendship groups actually) where I mesh better with the men. It's because I put on this show of not caring, really. I don't come across so very insecure in reality, or as paranoid. I took a test that said I was paranoid. The first is in my house; I don't care much for the girls, I prefer the men because they're funnier. The girls hardly ever laugh, and they're duller even than I am aesthetically. In our other group, it's me, him, two men and a girl. She is a pudding of a girl; she's small and very chubby. Her thighs chafe, I can see it, but she makes an effort and this is tragic. She is far too eager to be friends, like a poodle, and she takes pictures on nights out. She flirted shamelessly with the three men, and pestered me about who I "had a crush" on. I was not going to tell her; and I despise bad flirting. It's a horrific scene to watch, hypnotising yet terrible, and the worst thing was that she obviously thought of herself as a sexually appealing entity; well, everyone wants to think of themselves as that, but she simply isn't attractive, no matter how she tries. I know other people who are sexually attractive but not beautiful, because they know what they are; the difference between being attractive and not is knowing what you are. Anyway, needless to say I get on better with the men, who are also hilarious. I adore him, obviously, but nobody else knows, so we usually go about as a four, or a three, or a two, depending on what is happening.
One of them is besotted with a girl who is pushy and irritating; when she speaks she's heard halfway across the room because of her own sense of self-importance. She gets on my nerves at times, and then not at others. She's also desperate to cultivate friendships because she's severely lacking in them. She's seeing someone who is a complete anathema to her; he's lackadaisical, a drug pusher, and runs a sort of bar come greasy spoon. Then she flirts with my friend as well, who is between the two of them; fairly lax but also competitive, not pushy or irritating but confident. He only sees her face, I know this, and possibly her intelligence, she'd be a nice enough person if she wasn't so frustratingly pushy. Yet this doesn't irritate me. It should, being a feminist and all- valuing looks and appearance above essentials. I'm not even jealous, despite her beating me in various aspects of my life. I suppose I don't care because I'm happy with the way my friendship is with this man, and the way I feel about the girl- I can leave or take her- adds to his mood about her, either frustrated or happy.
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