MDMA

I think this drug was made for me. I've taken it twice and it makes me feel amazing; I take it with friends that supply what they're taking themselves at the same time. For all those who might read this and don't know, MDMA is a form of ecstasy that comes in tablets (bits of rolled up paper). The effects aren't the same for everyone but it makes me feel like:

I can be honest with everyone.
I am fascinating and deserve to make decisions
I can dance all night at incredibly high energy levels (and do)
No appetite
I don't care how I appear to anyone.

I also get the sweats, clench the jaw excessively (this is alleviated slightly by chewing gum rather than the inside of your face and last time I hallucinated that people had tattoos(but worked out that this was a hallucination and enjoyed it). My friends that weren't on it said I was manic, but obviously having an amazing time. I like it because I do not care and I felt light and worry-free, like I could just bounce away.

The downsides are:

Jaw clenching leaves you with an aching jaw in the morning
Depression the next day (mild for me, maybe suicidal for others). It's not crippling- usually I meet friends and do quiet sociable things to stave off the depression. I still can feel happy on those days.
Loss of appetite the next day- though for me this is a pro.
Possible embarrassment at effusive comments to others.

The other thing is: how do I know when to stop? So far I've taken it twice, two months between the first and second time. I took three tablets each time.

I know that that isn't addiction. However, it is enough for me not to tell my parents, as they'd worry, and it's not a cause for worry. Responses from friends have been varied: some are surprised, one doesn't want me to do it and fears I'll become an addict (I like that she cares about me) and a fair few want to try it. I don't want to advertise it; when anyone asks, I say that FOR ME (and I stress, for me) it's better than anything else I've tried, and I have a wonderful time on it, but I wouldn't do it too often in case I got hooked; also, I feel disgusting the morning after (just generally unwashed) so I couldn't take more- I couldn't do it constantly for a week.

But what if I keep on this path? What if I stop doing it once every two months, and make it once every month, once every week? I don't want to do that at the moment; two months is ample time. I'm scared that I won't have a line that's crossed, a definite breaking point that makes me realise I need to give up until I'm stealing from people or haven't eaten in a week or have eaten the inside of my own cheek from too much gurning.

One example I've been told is of a girl whose limit is having an abortion because she sleeps round after taking pills. But I never get the urge to have sex on MDMA, and besides, I'm pro-choice; I wouldn't count abortion as the off-point.

I know what addiction is; it's when the body craves the substance, when you want to take more and more and when you're preoccupied with it. I don't want it at the moment, and I don't want to take more and more each time- three is enough. But does this post count as preoccupation?

At the moment, I'm sticking by the two month rule. I feel a better yardstick is in order though.

I don't know if my personality is addictive, but it's almost certainly obsessive. I obsess over calories and over people I like and my own failures, most notably.

Ultimately, I need to draw a line somewhere. I don't know where that should be though.