How much easier life would be if I took drugs constantly. I wonder how long I could take MDMA before gnawing my face off/collapsing/killing myself on the comedown/fracturing an ankle/ someone found out I was permanently hallucinating.
I feel so bored at the moment that it's very tempting simply to take some and apply for a media career, where everyone needs to act as if they're pilled up to the eyeballs constantly over-confident. I wonder how easily it would be to become addicted, or if I already am if I'm fantasising over taking it again. I know I'm not, really, or at all.
But I feel better on them. I feel brilliant, like I'm worthwhile and I've always got something to say, and if I'm bored I trot over to someone else and talk. I feel and see everything brighter and everything feels wonderful, like I've won the world, and I can make decisions and I don't want to eat anything. It's fantastic. And it's difficult, when I'm feeling the opposite to all those things, not to want to take it. I've got no access here, and I've got no place to get it; but I would. I wonder if there is a way to feel like that all the time, or at least, for more of the time. I might when I've got a brilliant career.
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