Two tales of the ball.

I think bovine beauty and Doll are seeing each other. I'd had this suspicion for a while; there are little clues- one lingers when it's time to say goodbye and I've stepped out of the door, they do a sort-of smile to each other, they mysteriously ring each other when one is upset. Yesterday we were going to leave the ball- I was getting bored- with two other friends. A group of five. I was going to come and they said it was alright if I wanted to stay; and, as we were all walking, I saw that they were holding hands. It confirmed it for me. I felt lots of things, but I stayed and found Little Bird instead. There were a lot of silly reactions; the first was an immediate feeling of stupidity. How could they not be together? Then a why- why wasn't she with me-answered by a number of reasons. I'm repressed, I've never asked her, I'm not pretty or clever enough. Then I felt angry- Doll saw someone else behind my back, and now she's seeing her and not telling me again. I felt pushed out and in the dark. I feel like I just want someone that wants me back, and I can't ever find anyone, or if I do they want someone else, and then I'm left out again.

I'm so fed up with it. And resigned. I bet everyone knows except me, and I'll be the fool to find out last, as if they weren't obvious anyway. That's another thing- do they think I'm so stupid? They must if they can be so overt and not tell me. Or maybe they want me to recognise and break the silence on it- I don't want to. Why should I put myself out there when she's already shat all over me? Doll obviously thinks I'm stupid. Not only academically (she's on a first) but emotionally, everything. She thought I wouldn't find out about who she was with at the same time she was with me, that I wouldn't find out about her and B. It makes me furious that she's so incredibly condescending and puts herself above me, when she's not half as clever as she thinks she is. Maybe she is. But she definitely isn't as nice as she thinks she is, as innocent and without blame. Not by half. I suppose karma should sort this out, but I don't get any good karma. Ever. Where is mine? I think I give it out. I hope I do. Maybe I'm exactly as bad as she is and I just haven't acknowledged it.

You're a narcissistic psycho creep and boot-licking ass freak.

Enough. I know more than most that you can't help who you fall for. I should be happy for them, they found each other, they're both clever. God, I bet B. isn't annoyed with Doll at all (sometimes she says that she is, but I think that this is an elaborate evasion to show that she's not seeing her, that or she's too close to her to tell her now.) Obsessing will only drive me mad. I should be happy. I think I'd be happier if B. was with someone else; I'd be fed up, but at least she'd be happy. And I can stand that. And I think that she is happy with Doll, but I can't reconcile them being happy together. I'm a terrible person. No wonder I've got no karma.

So I found Little Bird, lovely Little Bird. She let me do her hair earlier. She's beautiful, all the time, all the time. We waited for the buses and they took hours to come, and we were waiting in the cold, me in my flimsy nylon. She wrapped her pashmina around me and hugged me warm, like a hot water bottle, or I hugged her. And on the bus on the way back, I had a little sleep on her shoulder. My head fitted perfectly there. I wanted to tell her about it all. I didn't, I talked about her instead. We saw another person home and then she said I could sleep at hers if I wanted. I slept in her little alcove bed, with her by my side. I wondered if I'd feel differently about her because B is now off limits in all senses; I didn't. I wanted to hold her and hug her and tell her thankyou for keeping me warm and being such a comfort. I wouldn't have slept without feeling furious if it had been on my own, but her there with me just made me feel so much better. She looked perfect; she hadn't had a very good night either. It would have been easy to roll over and hold her tight. Instead I rolled back to back with her, and felt protected.