Another shit day.

Because I didn't do anything. Say I'd woken up early and drawn and done things, it would have been alright. But I didn't.

Anyway.

I wrote back to Successful friend, which compounded my feelings of uselessness, because she's so successful.

I told my Mum I felt shit about it, and she just said, well she's probably had her dad know someone.

This is crap for two reasons. Firstly, it isn't true, so makes me feel worse. And secondly, even if it was true, that implies I'll never get anywhere without father connections, or that it's only people with connections that get places, and that isn't true either.

I'm pissed off because I've done three work experience placements and noone cares enough to give me a job. I'm fed up because my friend has done one internship, albeit for a longer length of time but even so, and they think she is "fabulous" and have given her a brilliant job until christmas. Noone thinks I am fabulous. Noone thinks I deserve, because I don't deserve. I just feel useless, like I'm not keeping up, like I'm not up there.
And all Mum said to this was to stop feeling so sorry for myself (fair point) and that I was being hard on myself. I'm not being hard. I'm being truthful. I am just so shit that noone will ever take a second glance and I hate it. I hate the shit people make me do, fucking filing non stop, never giving me a chance, and I hate the way that the last work experience place said I was great but still wouldn't fucking take me because I didn't have a cunting course I could have done when I was eighteen. I hate that all I'm good for is shit jobs, and I'm not even wanted at one of them because I'm not the perkiest fucker in the fucking shed. I hate that everyone else is launching themselves on the world and I'm not. I hate my stupid fucking reaction, sitting here typing away when I should get off my fat arse and do something instead of just feeling crap.

But I feel so bad that all I want to do is sit and type or tell someone, but noone wants to know and noone cares and who should because this is self pitiful drivel, so it's best just to type it.

Fucking hell.