I want to know about you.

I saw Lady of the House last night. She can be boring and day to day and a zealot. I knew this.

I only fantasise about people in suboordinate roles, or when they need me and are meeker. Why?

Lady of the House is who I want to be when I'm older and I desperately seek her approval constantly. I want her to think I am worth bothering with.

The world doesn't seem to think I'm worth bothering with, but then why should it? Why should I have a job or people telling me I'm wonderful when there's no reason to do so? I'm such a narcissist.

I want to be Lady of the House, because she's got her own little kingdom and lives her life as she wants to and has lots of people around her. I think she's happy. She's got this amazing way of making people do exactly what she wants. Like casting a spell.

I want to ask her if she always knew what she wanted to do, and what she despises in other people (because there must be something). I want to know so that it reassures me; she wasn't always like that, maybe I can grow into someone driven and passionate not afraid to speak my mind, not afraid of being a real person.

I want to know for the joy of knowing about her. I want to see if I can get deeper in, but there doesn't seem a time to ask. And she hates asking about history, she doesn't like us asking others about their history before they came here because it might be painful, so is her history painful and maybe she doesn't want to talk about it or am I reading too far?

It's the shell again.

I think she dislikes me.

Why is it so important for me to be liked when the people I want to be like aren't necessarily always likeable?

I need to learn to go my own way and screw everyone else.

I'm just not sure that I'm right about myself, and I want someone to tell me I am right. But they can't because I should know I'm the only one that knows what I want.

Even Lady of the House can't tell me.

I haven't told her about my thespian ambitions. I worry she'd cannibalise them. She's so sensitive at times, then at others...