Bad day, just felt sludgy and failing.

Because I don't feel like anything.

Or I'm starting to doubt acting- will it make a big enough impact?

When people are sure about things I think I'm sure about I think why would they be sure in me, I'm so unsure, I never get it right... and now I panic, what if I'm wrong all about myself and I'm doing the wrong thing entirely.

I had a message today from someone I thought was funny, clever, a good actress and, I think, who holds me in general disdain. She was one of the girls everyone liked, and I wasn't. Because I'm so silly- and I fear she knows exactly how silly I am and contact with her reminds me of all my various shortcomings.

Some people are just born better I suppose. I can't handle the fact that I'm comparatively useless, or worse in every way, to her. Email was civil- but began that she was contacting me for something only. Not to be friends, make that clear, you will never be my friend you are not cool enough.

Maybe this is not what she thinks at all. And it's all just me.

And why am I wasting time thinking about it anyway, jesus I am so self-pitiful.

I rang the woman today to let her down and tell her I wasn't going.
Telling her didn't go well- she just said, OK, OK and put the phone down. I felt bad. I'd let her down and made her angry. But then I reasoned, it's better than going somewhere you don't really want to go for six months. Then I panicked about shutting off opportunities- and then thought again, you haven't kissed goodbye to travel, just one avenue out of millions of possibles. I concluded, you can't make everyone in this world like you. And that is certainly true, I just wish I'd got a handle on making people respect me.