Oh my friends I've begun to worry right; where I should be grateful I should be satisfied.

I got rejected once more yesterday, for something I really wanted. And actually believed I could get; it was a journalism training thing. I feel so stupid. I knew I wouldn't get it. I knew they'd want someone with a first from Cambridge who had managed to live through two Bolivian wars, and fashioned a camera from mud and sticks so that they could report on it at the tender age of three.

I know I'm not any of those things. But I spent days filling out the form, taking so much care, letting my parents dissect it. I thought my work experience would help.

I should be grateful, I should be satisfied.

I hate being rejected. All I wanted was an interview, and I didn't even get that. My Mum said today, don't you just feel like you're on the cusp of something? And I said, no. Because I have had one offer of an internship and a hundred offers of a big fat no no no no no.

And then Mum said my self-presentation had really slipped in the last week I was at my job, and I was miserable going in every morning, and how could I expect them to keep me on?

Which is partially true, but I did the damn thing, I forced a smile on my face as much as I goddamn could, I was as chirpy as it was possible to be there and I tried.

And even they didn't want me.

Mum couldn't have said the right thing if she'd tried. Dad tried a gambit- if they have over 2000 applications, they probably go through the first hundred. I said how the hell did he know, had he applied to this place, had he done this, had he done that? He was just being kind. He said he'd seen it happen, but it pissed me off again, worse than Mum telling me I hadn't been up to scratch, because I can't stand people making excuses for me failing. Then Dad said I would find something and I'd be brilliant at it, he was the same... but then I thought, you can't say that, you can't be sure, that's utter shit. It could just be that I'm a crap person, and the reason that noone wants me, and that noone wants to stay in touch, and that noone cares and that nothing about me is worthwhile to any companies in the world is precisely because I am a shit person, and I am worth nothing, in the eyes of employers or otherwise.

I feel unwanted. I feel like my friends don't care and my parents have to, and like I'm not worth anything. I'm like a thousand million other white spoilt rich girls overpopulating this planet. I got good marks, so I was told I was clever, I did well... and now noone cares, and I haven't got any pizazz to get me through the rest. I'm not a wonderful precious flower (stamp stamp stamp), though I never thought that precisely... I thought I was clever enough to get what I wanted, but now my system has fallen away, and I think, why bother?

I didn't wake up till three forty three today.

After the rejection, I filled out five or six other applications, all the while thinking, there's five more failings. I felt I had to. I wanted to recompense. I want to succeed, but I can't help thinking it's all futile. I stayed up till five doing it.

All my thoughts I return to summertime.

I saw some new pictures of her today, and she looks beautiful. With her sister, who knows she's beautiful, but the secret is that she isn't half as beautiful as.... She knows what she's doing, and she's going to do it, and it's a wonderful worthy thing that suits her down to the ground. And she's going to be a raging success, and I don't feel jealous. Just thinking it makes me feel happier. My other friend, JD, I feel jealous and sick when I think about how she's succeeding because she's such a brilliant person. But this girl, I just feel happy to think what she's doing. To think she's happy. And to think someone knows exactly how wonderful she is. It's almost like living vicariously. She looks like she's jumping in every picture that's taken of her. Smiling with lots of her little teeth, eyes half shut and hair exploding in blonde curls. Brilliant, and other people know it.