It's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

I am unrealistic and cruel and flaky and 'I thought we'd brought you up better than to be unreliable'. And I want to weep because it's all true, and now I'm just going to sink into a pit of my own despair as usual.

You haven't thought properly.

About drama school, about financing it, about WHAT HAPPENS AFTER AND MAYBE NEVER OWNING MY OWN PROPERTY (I'd rather have a job I like but the parents are sure this will change), about how much it will cost per week to live there and where it comes from.

In my head, I was going to work this year, maybe sell some illustrations, and use that money to pay fees. I'd have a further few thousand saved for rent, and a day job to pay for food.

But I don't know how many thousands are saved. And I don't know how much student debt I'm in. And I don't know how much it will cost to live where I want to go.

I am irresponsible and flaky.

I am. I am probably going to let someone down. Why isn't it OK for me to let someone down? And I only took the goddamn thing because the parents wanted me to so much.

I am not happy, after they financed me through a degree.

What did they expect? A degree then immediate joy when I have a shit job and nothing to look forward to except courses next year that they shit all over?


Why can't they just let me be. I'd be so much happier about researching things if they weren't breathing down my shoulder.

I'm cruel because I disdained a tape my dad offered. For god's sake, he's judgemental enough about our music and tv and we don't take it as if he's constantly putting us down. People always think they're sensitive and then are utterly insensitive to others.

I had made the best of a bad day. I was happy at half past eight. Now I just feel....

Like I don't deserve anything good to happen to me, and I am cruel and snobbish and disdainful though I thought I wasn't, and I don't know where I'm going and I'm not worth it because I've wasted a degree and who cares? Who on earth actually cares how I feel, and can show it in the right way?