I ate 1360 today.

No exercise though, shame.

I wonder about my manager at work. The team seem to believe she's useless- I wonder if they think I'm useless too, privately? I think my manager is sweet. She's distinguished, and ugly in the most beautiful way... that's what I think. Obviously that has no bearing on her suitability for the post. We were discussing after work outings, and she doesn't go on any. One of the staff had a birthday a few days after hers- she didn't get any presents, and this woman got a fair few. I wonder why? Does she really like to keep her private life that private? She talks to us, it's not a problem to talk to her. I like her a lot. But then, the people I work with don't seem like the sort of people that would take against someone for no good reason. Unless it's just because she's in authority.

I am going to memorise some Blake, some Byron, some Keats, some Donne and some Milton. I would like a cigarette right now. It's strange that I abhor the women at work that discuss weight endlessly, how baggy their trousers are; and yet, I can't think of anything else here. I wonder if they've realised, or if they just think I don't think about it? I could pass for someone who doesn't think about it. Not obese, not thin- in the middle and not bothered. Only, I really am.

Anyway.

Why do I like her so much? She's not the cleverest (though she is clever), she walks like a carthorse. I like that. I like her lack of mawkishness and her direct approach, and that she doesn't talk to anyone as if they're mentally deficient. I am trying to eradicate that nasty little trait in myself.

I like the way she doesn't try to be cool and make jokes, lots of people do, and yet she's funny anyway in herself. I like watching her be in charge quietly, without people realising, but without being manipulative either. I like the way she seems to radiate safety. Safety is a good feeling for me.

Noone listens to me really. They think I am being something or something else; vindictive, narrow minded, judgemental, stupid. It's strange to find that in other places I am listened to, even by turbulent youths. I suppose being listened to is important, ensuring people have taken things in instead of riding roughshod over anything I say or feel or do.

I cannot get any private time, and it's driving me insane. I need to be alone for a bit of the time, not to do anything, just to be me and to be able to think.

I feel like the people I adore would understand. Though I probably would be different with them, in turn.