Some days aren't yours at all.

an apple-40
a plain chocolate digestive biscuit-80
half a sandwich (cheese and onion)-150

270

some apricots-30
carrot cake-300
1 slice of bread-100
430
some chicken pie, vegetables and mashed potato-400
figs-50
450

smoothie- 100
ice cream-150
chocolate-150

1550. That could be more, I don't know. I always fear that I'm erring on the side of less calories, not more.

I am terrified I'm doing my job all wrong. I seem to be an irritant rather than an aide. I suppose if I believe I'm irritating, I will become irritating- like JM. So I'll just keep on the way I'm going. Everyone finds their own way. I just don't want to let anyone down, or to be like Dr A, who I had as a child, who really grated on me. I'm starting to feel sympathy. Who can I be like instead? I wonder how my brother would do my job. He probably wouldn't care, so I'm not going to do it that way. It's no use trying to think myself into his social mindset, because he's a bit of a wanker at the moment, and besides, I'm awful at that kind of social posturing.

I suppose I just have to believe that what I'm saying is right- and it is. I don't care how popular I am- I just care that they're learning, and that they'll do well. This is the right attitude- I want them to respect me, but not necessarily like me. I fear that at the moment, I've got neither. I'll learn.

I'm worried, so I don't feel like being particularly creative. Admiration matters to me, I realise. I want people to respect me, but I suppose respect doesn't just come. I worry that I'm vaguely autistic. One girl today said she didn't want to have my job- and that's the worst thing anyone's said so far. My brother insulted my lack of independence, and that made me want to move out.