I feel like doing something.

The options are:

Sort through my clothes.
Go on a walk.
Sit here and doss about.

I have been on a walk today.

I ate:

A mars bar ice cream-222
Some chocolate cake-100
Some lentil curry and rice-200
A digestive biscuit-100
622
A piece of carrot cake-300
Some Broccoli, 2 roast potatoes, some chicken and roast carrots and parsnip-350

650

That's 1272. No wonder I feel crap, I've only eaten three portions of vegetables, tops. I'll try to eat some fruit later.

Last night I stayed at Chatelaine's. Something happened in the night- one of the men had something stolen, and I wasn't called. I felt a bit like a young ineffectual child that hadn't been woken or trusted to do anything. Let her sleep, no sense waking her. I want to be the person awake, or the person to wake. I also hated the man I was responsible with- he was jocular and had a really patronising manner. Chatelaine thinks he's nice- and I suppose he is- but I don't know if he would be if it came down to it. He's one of those people that's trying to be nice. I wasn't even asleep- I would have been fine to do it! Ugh. I hate being the one that's not relied on. Is there something ineffective about me? Something defective, that makes people think I'll foul up or collapse under strain or make things worse or blow it all up.

I feel like there is.

I feel like I don't say or do or think the right sort of things. The right thing.

Noone does or says the right thing all the time; but they feel they do, and my problem is that I feel I'm always being wrong. I'm getting morose. Snap out of it.

Would you think I was doing it all wrong? Would you? If I told you. Probably. I'd like you to say yes or no and tell me something true. We can live like Jack and Sally if we want.

Am I one of your beautiful people? You're one of mine, evidently.

I walked with Chatelaine and three others today. She's lovely, but I fear I might be cloying to her- she might not want me, she might think I'm too much, altogether too much around and too much in your face and too much know-it-all boring ignorance.

All of those things.

And a princess to boot, and fluffy.

I can't be all of these things. I'd rather she thought I was just plain bolshie.

What everyone really wants from a relationship (I heard) is to see themselves reflected back in a way that coincides with the way they think of themselves. Narcissism, essentially. It's not so much the person doing the loving, it's the way that they love. And if I think about her now, what I really want her to say is, you're fine, don't worry, I like you. There's no guarantee though. If I can have that from someone that organises and does, who I admire, then it would all be alright. I don't know.